The flash

I'm just having an office conversation,
with another person who is getting divorced,
and I'm telling her how lucky she is,
that she wasn't married long,
and that there are no children.

A lump forms in my throat and my eyes start to sting. It hits my like a flash. I actually feel the tingling in my fingertips and on the back of my head. It's like all the pain of all this hits me all at once in one flash. The stress, the uncertainty, the prospect of loneliness and the unknown. I have control over nothing. I will never really be free again.

And I feel sorry for myself.

I HAVE to cry or scream or run or something. But it is the middle of the day. I'm at work. There is no time for a pity party, because this is MY mess, even though I don't think I should take all the credit myself.

This is so freakin' complicated.

I KNOW I'm doing the right thing. I KNOW I did the best I could until the final straw broke what teeny weeny back was left. I KNOW that this is the best thing for the boys and I.

It doesn't make it easy, and it doesn't make him right. There are just days where I feel like no matter what I do, it's wrong, and happiness, in whatever form, is meant for someone else.

I don't know if I'll ever feel like I got a fair shake. Even though I work harder than just about anyone and overcome more than just about anyone.

Don't get me wrong, the blessings are listed and it is a mile long.

It just doesn't stop the pain from the impact. There is no buffer. Just part of the process.

And it hurts. And it hurts more to know there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.