Saturday, March 31, 2007

It's Just Hair

It isn't a big deal. I used to have short, short, pixie short hair.

But when I got pregnant in late 2003, I lost my ability to make hair decisions. Stressed out, mother of 4, unhappy in my marriage, I couldn't make a single freakin' decision. My husband had made so many disparaging comments about what I thought was a cute, easy solution for motherhood, I became paralyzed about it. I think I partly grew it in to save our marriage. If I could be more attractive, maybe he wouldn't be looking elsewhere.

Starting with my decision on February 29, 2004 to raise two fewer children started something inside me. Slowly, I really changed. From the inside. I wanted to be the mom that Tippy and Karateboy deserved and not the stressed out maniac I'd become.

Little things marked the transformation. I started losing weight, singing in the praise band at church...volunteering more. I started to pay attention to how I looked and carried myself. After all, I had an MBA now...I should look the part. I even moved into a new house.

The last year of changes, you all know about. Divorce, triathlon, learning new lessons. The only physical thing I carried with me still was the hair. It never stopped growing, this long, unruly mane of curls. It never, ever looked brushed. It was getting frizzier from all the washing after all the working out. It was shedding everywhere. It was a pain in the ass. And I don't give a flying fuck if STBX thinks I look like a boy. My balls will always be bigger than his.

I decided that I'd donate it to Locks of Love when it was long enough. Friday night, I took a pony tail holder, a ruler, and a plastic bag. I told Cheryl, the woman who taught me to embrace my curls instead of straighten them, to just cut it. And cut it she did. There it goes. The last part of the old me off to make someone else happy. 'Cause it is some thick, wavy, super hair.

For me the jury is still will take some getting used to. But I bet the next time I don't go to work with a wet head, or I can run at lunch without worrying...or I don't have to clean hair out of the drain in the shower....then I'll appreciate it. It's just hair. It will grow and maybe I'll dye it pink.

Tippy can't stop touching it and telling me how much he loves it! Do you see where his hand is?

PS. Photo by GMan

Friday, March 30, 2007


My little bundle of 3 year old joy doesn't get nearly enough blog time. But oh, my! This week has been full of doozies. You see, he didn't really start talking until about a year ago. I mean, it was clear to me that he could, he just chose not to. With a house full of loud mouths, he really didn't NEED to talk. Here is a teeny smattering of some of his more memorable phrases this week. For those of you who know us, you see he's been spending WAAAAY too much time with my mother.

This one stopped me in my tracks today.
"Tippy, please put your coat on.."
"Eff you assiss...humph!" (translated: if you insist...)

Last night:
"Mom, DUUUUUHHHHH, you have to click the 'x' to get to Jetix dot teeee veeee!" (his adept laptop skills are another post all their own) He already thinks I'm stupid. However, I know I'm not becuase I can count to 10 and he counts, "One, two, Eight..." Someone should help him with that.

"Duuuuhhhhh mommy, Pwayhouse Disney is right heerrreee (pointing to the link on the screen). You no check your email!!!"

I came home after swimming earlier than usual, so I climbed into bed to rest my aching muscles for a few minutes on Tuesday morning. I didn't realize he was IN MY BED. I feel a cold little hand touch my arm.
"Mom, why you naked? Put jammies on, that's GROSS" Yes, honey, you're absolutely right. Now, GET OUT OF MY BED!

Monday morning:
"I NO GO MS YOIS' HOUSE. SHE HAS NO INTEWRNET!" He didn't want to go to Ms. Lois' house because he wanted to play on the Internet. He can surf the net and get into his babysitter's Facebook account (he loves to go into address history and click on random sites-- so saving logins and passwords is a no no), but he cannot enunciate correctly. I have work to do.

Last evening:
"My name starts with a thweee" See, his best friend's name begins with an 'E', which looks like a three and it is something she says all the time. HOWEVER, his name starts with a 'D'. But you can't change his mind. Like you can't change his mind that maybe pink shouldn't be his favorite color, and that people think it's odd that he wants his nails painted even if I use black nailpolish.

Pictured here....thanks to GMAN.

Demanding little cuss that he is, he has certain songs that must be played again and again and again. It was 'More' by Matthew West. If I could have worn a hole in my IPOD I could have. But to hear him sing the lyrics makes me all mushy inside!! He connected to MUSIC!! YIPEE!

Later, I downloaded 'Move Along' by the All American Rejects for Karateboy because it was featured in a Bionicle commercial. Thus, it replaced 'Boogie Wonderland' as HIS favorite song.

Tippy has now adopted Move Along. The song is exactly four minutes long. Do you know how often I hear that song? And how much longer can I take it? Do you think I can convince them to like heavy metal? Do you think I can find a heavy metal song I like that doesn't involve sex, violence or foul language? Questions, questions, questions....I don't think 'Disturbed' sings anything palatable for them....

My 3 year old is turning into a 23 year old, where I get to be his faithful servant and do his bidding. He's getting his grandmother trained. If you hear him curse, it's all her fault.

In the meantime, I'm working on counting and forming acutal words.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

T Shirt Says WHAT???

Even though Ms Manners clearly states that one should not wear slogans across one's chest, I can't help but be sucked into a good T Shirt slogan.

I have not one but TWO 'Writing Well is the Best Revenge' tops from my friend at .

In college I had an entire collection of doozies:

  • If you keep making faces, one day it is going to freeze that way -- sorry it already did (With calvin and hobbes)
  • Don't be Silly, Wrap that Willy - my support for Aids awareness
  • I've fallen and I can't get up --a number of cartoon characters around a keg..

You get the picture...I had more but I got rid of them at some point in my 20's.

I spent some time today perusing two sites, 'Think' which has lots of nods to html freaks, bloggers and those who love binary code among others. Ah, the possibilities. I could enter a whole new social strata if people thought I might be smart, too.

  • 'HTTP Error Code' panties
  • 'I'm blogging this'
  • 'MOM' in binary
  • a drawing of a molecule of chocolate
  • My personal favorite expression of indifference 'MEH'

Then my friend Melissa (not the blogger so often mentioned here) showed me Now and Zen ...and I laughed my ass off all afternoon.

  • 'Caution - Cape does not enable user to fly'
  • 'I Know Talent When I See it and You Don't Have It'
  • 'So Far I'm Unimpressed'
  • my fav...'There is no 'I' in suck, there is 'u' in suck

I also found some cool political shirts on other sites, like the one with Laura Bush's picture that says, "I'm with Stupid", or "Quick, get Bush another pretzel" personal favorite "Of COURSE the world revolves around me!"

I didn't order any because I couldn't just pick one, and at $20 each, it just isn't necessary to have a shirt with a saying on it so someone would check out my rack. People do that anyway. But it is darn fun reading!

What would your shirt say? (or does it already say?)

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

A HHHot Little Meme...

Thanks to Melissa I volunteered for this Meme. You have to name 10 things you like and 10 things you don't all using a letter assigned to you. I got the letter H. One of the somewhat forgotten, weaker letters. I picked words that had an immediate emotional reaction for me. Buck Nekkid helped me because, let's face it, H is one under-utilized letter!


  • H20 - clearer skin, weight loss, oh, and my new found love of swimming. yeah water.
  • Hero- That word conjures up romantic images of strong people (not just men) doing what is right and good to help others. Not just physical strength, but spiritual, intellectual and emotional strength. I can't say the word and not smile.
  • Height - I love people taller than me. Both sexes. Not a a single friend is shorter (if that's even possible). I truly wish I was taller.
  • Hugs - Sounds fluffy until you know where I'm coming from. I was the anti-hugger. Actually not a natural skill for me (except with my boys) I learned to love them this past year. Sizzle's picture of the Seattle Hugger gave me another item on my 'Things To Do' list...nothing feels more joyous and free than wrapping your arms around another being and giving a squeeze
  • Happy Hour- pick one hour to just indulge in whatever you love. It could be drinking and socializing, but can't happy hour be that time you spend cuddling reading '8 Little Monkeys' for the thousandth time? Everyone should recognize a happy hour ever day.
  • Hard - All of the incarnations of the word. I don't like to do things the easy way, so the more I have to invest, the more I think I'll get back. Of course, there are other meanings, fill in the blanks
  • Home Depot- can you think of a more creative place to shop? is a craft store for people who think BIG. It's not just about home improvement....
  • History - if you didn't already know I'm a card-carrying nerd. I love love love history. Give me historical fiction or a good biography any day. One of my dream jobs would be the park ranger/tour expert at a historical hotspot. I'd love to live in Williamsburg at some point and live it.
  • Hydrangea - Such pretty flowers, in my favorite colors. And you can change the colors by shifting the PH of the soil...and I have several of them in my yard...sharing them last spring made me feel like I really owned something. A HOUSE!
  • Helping- Leaving the earth a better place than I found it is really important to me. I try to do that every day by helping someone.


  • Hot- I don't like to sweat. Hence I didn't take the job in Dallas, TX 9 years ago shortly after the sun burned me through my clothes walking through the parking lot of our facility. In winter, my house is at a chilly 69 degrees. I don't like to be hot.
  • Hair - When well placed and well groomed, it is fine. But when it grows in places it shouldn't, or it is frizzy and flyaway no matter what you do, or when it clogs the drain or collects on the bathroom floor. Honestly, I'd shave my head if I didn't think I'd lose my job.
  • Husband - The last 13 years aside, the word has all sorts of negative connotations-- if I think hard enough lots of good ones, too, but right now the word catches in my throat.
  • Hurt - Just saying the word makes me wince and one intentionally hurts another...and yet we do it every day
  • Housewife- Perhaps it is some jealousy because I never left it as an option for myself, I have negative feelings about this word. Women who give up careers to raise children are not housewives. They're women. It is an archaic term.
  • Hate - If there is anything I hate, it is hate. Such a strong word denoting an extremely dark emotion. I'm not a fan of people or things, and I chose not to be around those things, but to hate (especially another person) is something I cannot stand.
  • Hickeys - especially in places folks can see at work. If you want to mark me as your woman, think jewelry!
  • Helicopter- A symbol of 4th/5th grade failure to spell. Public humiliation. Nerves got the better of me. It DROVE me to become comfortable speaking and thinking in public. Still not as perfect as I could be. Plus, they're noisy, ugly machines, aren't they?
  • Hypocrites - Do as I say, not as I do is one of my mother's favorite sayings. I'm sure I'm one of these some times, but there are those that deserve the title more than others.
  • Horny - I don't like to want for anything. That's the only think I find myself in need of, and not willing to do what it takes to alleviate it. I don't like being horny. I'm much happier when I'm satisfied

Buck wanted to note how 'handjobs' are on his dislike list....I keep encouraging him to blog to 'splain' that.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

New Lessons

This past week was full of lessons learned.

  • If you're not getting the answers to basic questions-- that is, you know more about your neighbors than the guy you're dating (even after 3 weeks) you should matter how much you think you're ready to fall
  • You should never skip your workouts for a guy. Period.
  • Men and women can be friends, and I need my guy friends as much as my girl friends-- the guy that gets with me needs to be confident enough to deal with that.
  • Extreme extroverts should probably never date loners-- no matter how magnetic the attraction of opposites are
  • You should never give a guy your blog address because you can't tell the stories you really want to tell
  • Balance is important to me. As much as I obviously love myself and love to talk about all things ME...eventually I really do want to talk about something else
  • Also, said guy might read your blog and devise a (half assed) plan to romance you based on what you bitch about most.
  • I'm amazed at the number of guys that are my age who change their tune the minute they find out I'm a mom.... even though I'm clearly quite stable as a single parent and not looking for my baby's next daddy.
  • I'm also relishing single parenting more than ever. I really don't think I want a partner for that job. It is certainly easier than it was when I was married. The thought of sharing turns my stomach.
  • Having a stranger hit on you and ask for your number at the grocery is quite a charge
  • Later finding said stranger is married (by his own admission) makes it a freakin' good story
  • my new keyboard is crappy and I can't seem to type with the same speed and accuracy and it is pissing me off
  • Spring undeniably makes a significantly positive difference in my mood
  • I'm totally drawn to the thinking part of sports, the mechanics, the science, etc. The effort is what makes me ache. But the thinking is what gets me through long workouts.
  • My boys are truly delightful little individuals
  • If you piss them off, they'll hit you, especially if you hit them first
  • While I don't advocate violence, given our nerdy tendencies, I don't mind if the other kids think twice before picking on them the next time. Please don't tell the school administrators
  • My Dad was actually right (see above)

I'm a compulsive list maker. I have many lists that I've made, "Ways to fill the 130 weekends without children over the next 10 years", "My perfect partner will have the following...", "Before I die I must...", "Thinks the boys need to experience before they grow up"

I was going to share them here. But I keep hesitating. There are actually parts that I want to keep private. Maybe not from this WHOLE audience. But certain members. For some, it is a sensitivity thing. I don't want to hurt them. Other things, are just for me. So I'm struggling against writing with a filter on (OH MY GOD HAVE I DEVELOPED A FILTER??) and still enjoying the free flow of unedited information from my brain to my fingertips.

I dunno. Pick up the lessons and enjoy the ride!!!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Mommy and Es's Excellent Adventure

9:50 AM, Sunday

Me: Mom...wake up. After church I want to go to Baltimore and see the Edgar Allen Poe house. If you want to go, be ready in an hour.

Mom: Oh Cool.

Me: Oh, and could you go online and make sure it's open and exactly where it is? Then we can wander around the city. Maybe get lunch.

11:35 AM, Sunday

I get home from church, Mom is eating something, has her laptop fired up and is chatting on about an Edgar Allen Poe house in Pennsylvania or something. I dismiss her because I care about one thing. The house in Baltimore. That I've wanted to visit since I moved here 9 years ago. I bought an outfit a month ago expressly for the purpose of looking good with comfy shoes while I visited said historical hot spot.

Me: Ready to go?
Mom: Yep.
Me: OK...let me go to the bathroom, I'll meet you outside.
Mom: But I have to pee, too.
Me: But that was included in the word 'ready'..

I can tell this is going to be a typical Wendy/Mommy adventure. Where I assume we speak the same language. We do not.


Mom: Blah blah blah. Saratoga street. Blah blah blah. Small cemetery. Blah blah blah. House isn't far.....
(this is a prime example of my selected listening skills. I was going to see the Edgar Allen Poe House. Everthing else was filtered out and forgotten.)
Me: You know, Mom, I'd be happy to do this with you for other things. Just decide what one thing you want to see and we'll plan a day around it. But I have to have one goal. The rest can be loose. You do the goal thing FIRST. Then the rest is icing.
Mom: Well, I want to go to DC one day without the kids...
Me: To do what..I need a goal.
Mom: What's that museum, with the old stuff?
Me: The Smithsonian?
Mom: Duh...I knew that, smartass. We could go to the museums.
Me: But what do you want to see? WE NEED A GOAL.
Mom: I dunno...The Natural History Museum...
(I roll my eyes because, while that is one of my favorites, I've been there, done that.)
Me: Really? I want to see some of the art museums...the others I can do with the kids-- and have.
Mom: American Indian Museum.
Me: Done.

Having the next adventure planned before we see if we live through the first is a hallmark of exactly who we are. I mean we can do anything, right?

We debate parking, I suggest parking by the cemetery, and walking to the EA Poe house.

WAIT! We can't go to the cemetery first, we have to go to the EA Poe house first. That is the GOAL. I started to mouth got dry...I took deep breath...and we went to the cemetery. Which was interesting for a bunch of dead people. I got over the goal thing, becuase there was still PLENTY of time.

I wandered around for 15 minutes mildly interested. It got more interesting even after the weird, smelly, semi-homeless guy with a dog kept talking to me about the lady buried in front of us who died after only one year of marriage, and how romantic he thought it was that her husband still described her as 'affectionate'-- meaning they had sex. OF COURSE THEY HAD SEX, THEY'D ONLY BEEN MARRIED A YEAR!! He didn't see my cynicism, but I wasn't wearing my, 'I'm no longer with STUPID' t-shirt, so how could he get it?

The sign said 'Edgar Allen Poe House .5 miles'. Mom was in charge, surely she could walk a half mile, I was in the mood for a leisurely pace, and she was in the mood to talk. And talk she did. And I practiced my listening skills. And we walked. And walked.

It was warm in the sunshine and the air felt good. There wasn't even that stench of traffic even though there were cars everywhere.

She has worked in Baltimore for 7 years so she should know where we're going, right?

Mom: It's over this Saratoga.
Me: {relieved} there is a sign.
me: {in my head} wait, no signs...I think we've gone more than a half mile
Mom: look at these cute little houses, I could live here.. so people
Me: {in my head}Was that a hypodermic needle? What happened to the trees and grass? Something isn't right....why is the quality of the cars on the street DECLINING! WARNING ! WARNING! DANGER!
Mom: {with cheer} I could live here, and walk to work there...hmmm I wonder how much these cost.
Me: {in my head} look, whole families of adult males enjoying the great outdoors! Hold your purse closer.
Mom: {sensing my concern} We should have left our purses in the car.
Me: Mom, I love you, and I'm tired. But I can run fast if I have to. I'll call 911 for you when I feel safe.
She looked kinda' sad when I said that.
Mom: I can run too, I'll just die when we're done. {uncomfortable laughing}

Plan in hand, and we were pretty sure we were lost, when VOILA! We found Amity street. Which was surrounded with what I would describe as a 'PROJECT'. This is not a good connotation. As we pass the field filled with assorted debris, I see the house.

THE GOAL IS IN SIGHT! It is literally connected to a housing project on an ally street, but I CAN See it.

I can also see the sign that says, "Will reopen on April 7".

My mother sees the fire in my eyes.
Me: You had one job. ONE JOB!
Mom: Aw, 'cmon. You got a nice walk.
Me: I already biked 10 or so miles and ran 2 today. I didn't really need a walk through the ghetto. You're damn lucky I'm not hungry.
Mom: That kid would have sold you his chicken nuggets.

We burned walking rubber back to the car. I was walking my fabulous self across streets like I owned the place. Once on the RIGHT side of MLK Boulevard, I breathed a sigh of relief. She continued to talk, I listened. But don't quiz me on the topic. I just kept wanting to scream, " YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!"

We went to Little Italy, ate good food, and came home to take a nap. In under 3 hours. WHEW! My kind of Sunday! :-)

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Read This

This is so freakin' funny. Honestly. I'm too lazy to retype, and cut and paste isn't working.

Ignore the stupid dancing animations and the retarted music. Really. It's the text that counts.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Hot Monkey Sex Friday

Happy Friday to all of you.

I was listening to music today. For those of you who don't know, I listen to a wide variety of stuff-- I generally avoid country, though. Show tunes, pop, Christian, heavy metal...etc.

I have a soft spot from the music of my youth. The 1980's. Especially the purple love freak, Prince.

Prince is a freakin' musical genius. There. I said it. How can you not LOVE the songs from Happy Feet? Really?

Discuss amongst yourselves. Debate. Really. Have fun with it.

Thursday, March 22, 2007


My morning was a little slow today. Up late last night. Bad mood. Bleh.

By lunch, I was getting a little more chipper. I considered shoe shopping. A nice, sexy pair of heels to welcome spring....

1PM the phone rings...Anthony's 4 hours strep test comes back positive. You heard me. I suspected he was sick. The rapid came back negative. Two days later, positive. FOR THE SECOND TIME.

1:05 pick up prescription, get my own throat swabbed again for a 48 hour test (my rapid came back negative yesterday)

1:12 stop at DSW...he's been at school infecting others all week...what's 10 more minutes?

1:13 find the loveliest highest shoes I can balance on...on sale!

1:15 get back to the office to find some research I'd been doing brought back some bizarre news. Bumming. Totally

1:19 The school calls...Karateboy hit another student again. He's being suspended from school for one day.


Perhaps I should drop the sweet.

PS I'm seeing this totally hot guy that I totally want to fall flat on my face for. He's so into me I'm on a cloud.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

My Little Love Muffin

Call it whatever you want, I have passed my interest in companionship onto my beloved son, Karateboy. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Today, he wished we would move closer to an old daycare so that he could see his girlfriend, Cassandra. That he' hasn't seen in 2 years. We're not even sure Cassandra goes there anymore!

I tend to hear about Cassandra after he's been quiet for a while, in the car, without Power Rangers or his little brother to distract him.

He asked as were leaving the doctor's office after a follow up strep culture-- how DOES a child without tonsils get recurrent strep? Alas that mystery is for another post.

He's asked to go back to that place for summer camp before, but it is expensive and not as geographically convenient as the other summer camps we've enjoyed. Hence his request to move.

'But honey, you'd have to change schools'

'But, Mother, I'd only have to walk across the street to summer camp. I really miss her. And her old boyfriend is probably still being mean to her.'


Such a sweet pumpkin. I know he was totally accepted at that summer camp. I think he's struggling now with fitting in. Yesterday's comment was about how he needs a Game Boy because when he told his friends at school his favorite toy was his Leapster Lmax they called him a baby. This, on the heels of him being ostracized for picking and eating his boogers.


I think that's why he's been complaining he doesn't feel well the last few mornings....and why I ordered the strep test....

Man, this part of parenting sucks. The social stuff is necessary. Teaching them to bounce back from setbacks and get through this is the foundation for the rest of his life, but my usual advice, 'suck it up buttercup' -- just isn't appropriate here. My heart breaks for him. I almost cry when he tells me this stuff. And he's only 7 and it is only going to get worse.....

Please God, let's get the girl out of his head...c'mon. She wasn't nearly good enough for my boy!! :-D

The return

I only lasted a few days with my 'no blogging' threat. Thanks to everyone that supported me. It was an incredible act of will not to post each day now that it has become a habit.

Of course, I'm still looking for money, but we're returning to our regularly scheduled story telling.

Thursday, March 15, 2007


I'm going to beat this dead horse until I reach my goals. So no juicy stories about the hot guy I'm with, no HMSF update, no pictures of anything really interesting, no Karateboy stories, no cute Tippytornado items.....and even if my STBX really really annoys me I will not blog 'till I get to at least $500.

Sure, you'll prove to me that you weren't that into me anyway...but I can handle it. I'm tough.

In the meantime thanks to TXGAMBIT, yerdoingitwrong, speedwobble, and Kevin from church. While Kevin doesn't blog, he deserves mention because he said he'd donate to the March of Dimes even if it DIDN'T mean watching me suffer. Ain't he a peach?

So please sponsor me . So this boring and painful telethon-type behavior can end. Or I'll walk, baby!! WOO HOO!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Watch Me Run - Sponsor me

No, really. Put your money where your mouth is. I mean it, my Internet friends.

The March of Dimes has been near and dear to my heart for many years.

This year, I want to run it. My motivation is cash. Sponsor me, and if I hit $1,000 I'll run the whole thing. 4 miles through scenic downtown Baltimore. I can't run 4 miles right now, but you know how I like goals....

I remember the first 6 mile walk, pushing Karateboy in a stroller-- surer with every step I was going to die. I remember dragging Karateboy and his cousins around the 1 mile walk. I remember skipping the walk to hand out refreshments last year with The Maven.

Since I only have 10 readers, you'll need to pony up $100 bucks each, or tell your friends. How happy are you that you or someone you love was born a healthy baby? Say thanks by paving the way for the next generation. Sponsor me

Oh, and the joy of making me run. Which I hate. But I'd do it if it meant $1,000 for WalkAmerica.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Friends and Sex

In When Harry Met Sally Billy Crystal says something like, "Men and women can never be friends because sex always gets in the way."

It was always a funny statement and I just happened to remember it, probably because I didn't agree. It sounds archaic and shallow to me.

I have quite a few male friends. When I was married, I very safely flirted with them and told dirty jokes and had a good time. Once we split, I slowly learned that my availability changed the nature of our relationships. I try to be very careful now and often avoid certain topics and situations all together. Respectful gents that they are, my male friends either don't care or they respect this....because no one has been offended.

So, friends. Can men and women be friends? Can a guy I met on a dating web site, but was never attracted to, be my friend? Even though he was CLEARLY interested in me? Why can't I hang with divorced guys who are in the same boat as I am...comparing notes, offering consolation? It is harder with the women I know 'cause were all trying so hard to be powerful and invincible we're competitive bitches. With guys there is no know? Just an honest opportunity for feedback.

Anyway, friends, discuss....can men and women truly be friends without one of them at one point being attracted to the other? Have we risen above basic biology?

Monday, March 12, 2007

I Hate Daylight Savings

Really, I do.

I missed my workout yesterday morning with the tri-team. I did ride by myself, and only fell once-- left with a teeny scrape on my knee. Then I ran from my house to the lake and All the way around. It sure felt like three and a half miles, but I forgot my little counter doohicky.

I spent the rest of the day waiting for the kids to come home. There is nothing like the kisses I get from my little velcro monkeys when they come back from their father's house. There is a reason their little arms fit so perfectly around your neck just when you need them.

This morning, no alarm woke me. I must have snoozed or slept through it. I woke up at 5:45...when normally I wake up at 4:45. So I went back to sleep and I think we barely made it out the door on time. I did, however, finally buy a new pillow. My shoulder still kills, but I think if I try a few nights without sleeping on it with the new pillow, I should be good to go.

So, no workout buzz today. Just my Venti Chai Tea Latte (skim, of course) from Starbucks.

...and I'm in the office. Thinking pleasant thoughts of a wonderfully relaxing weekend. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

PS If you've read Maven's posts, you know our friends and families have lost a lot of people we care about over the last few weeks. A woman at work who lost her husband suddenly a few weeks ago is flying his ashes to India today. My heart is so heavy for her. I couldn't imagine her pain.

Then I thought of everyone else so close to me who woke up this morning without someone they love. I'm so thankful each time the boys are returned to me safe and sound. I'm so lucky. So say a little prayer of thanks and support for everyone who isn't as blessed today.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Effed Up the Time Change

How, pray tell, dear readers did I manage to screw up the time change?

I put my clock in my bedroom ahead TWO hours.

I didn't get up for my 7AM class because my arm hurt so bad and the bed was so cozy and warm and I'd felt like I'd just gone to sleep(....well maybe because I had).

So later, I realized I'd wanted to make church at 10. I was on the phone, when my friend told me I was off by an hour....grabbed the cell phone and HE WAS RIGHT!

HOLY CRAP! Could you imagine if the bed hadn't been so cozy and warm and wonderful and I'd gotten up, ate, dressed and driven to the gym AN HOUR EARLY!

Maven said it is because I'm subconsciously trying to avoid riding outside. I still haven't mastered the clip pedals. My bruises still haven't healed from the last time.

Pray for me. I'm going to attempt to ride today. Outside. With clip pedals. If I don't break anything, I'm going to run, too.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Something Special

It is hard to find the words to describe this because it is so foreign.

I've spent post after post complaining about the need for and the lack of attention.

I officially have some one's attention. He calls me in the morning, and at night, and I'm positive he's thinking of me in between.

And I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to say about it. I'm utterly speechless and have been since Tuesday. It has been building since November, starting as a 'Platonic Crush'.

He's someone I've talked to on the phone and online for a long time. I've referred to him here many times as Tommy and Marineguy. I thought we'd never meet, so he got to know me, totally raw, personality first, mostly at the end of the day when the world was done kicking my ass. He's the one I talked to when I was loneliest, angriest and felt the most invisible. Just the sound of his voice on the other end of the line is soothing, comforting and makes me smile. He talks to me like no one else. He waited, patiently, on the sidelines while I ran around like crazy figuring things out. Always there, in my periphery...just for me in the quiet night filling my ear with exactly what I needed.

I didn't write about this sooner because I was afraid of ruining it. By saying something out of turn, but exposing myself in a way that I couldn't quickly recover. As a result, he thinks I'm hiding him, like a dirty secret. The only person I'm hiding from is STBX. I don't want him to know my deepest thoughts and I know he reads this sometimes. In some way, I also don't want to cause him any pain, because that's when he tends to strike back at me. So by hiding, I was protecting something precious to me.

I'm hiding him because I don't want to share. Driving to meet him Tuesday, I resolved that I cared for him already, even if he was missing half his face or was horribly disfigured in some way. Instead, he's freakin' hot. Light complexion with a hint of a goatee, full lips, eyes as blue as the pool-- I could get lost right there.

My legs are wobbly and my head spins. I can't articulate, or think, or be perfectly clear. I can't even figure out where or how he fits in my world. It is a wonderful, peaceful, hopeful, blur. I want to hold his hand with one hand and my nose with the other and jump off the dock into the unknown water. It is the unknown- the raw wounds from the past that scare the shit out of me.

I'm just hitting my groove as 'Just Me- Esme'-- I'm comfortable in this skin, in this place, in this moment. I have just about everything I I deserve that one final piece if it means taking a risk? Shouldn't more time pass before I'm lucky enough to meet someone special? What about standing in line behind all the other girls that have been waiting longer?

This song plays has played in my head whenever I think of him-- as long as I've had a crush on him-- it's been 'his song' since before Christmas.

In the secret, in the quiet place

In the stillness you are there

In the secret, quiet hour I wait only for you

'Cause I want to know you more

I want to know you more

I want to hear your voice

I want to know you more

I want to touch you

I want to see your face

I want to know you more

(from 'I Want To Know You More' by Sonicflood)

I feel a certain pressure to jump with both feet. And I can't. The words are right on the tip of my tongue. But trepidation is all that stammers out. I'm afraid of ruining the fantasy I think we've both built up in our heads--- but I think the reality will be so much better. I hope I get the chance to find out. There is so much about him I don't know, but I think I know his character and I've seen glimpses of his soul. I just want to see his business card.

HE IS THAT INTO ME. Now I need the sequel book so that I know what the eff to do with it.....and not screw it up.

I cashed in my Christmas present from the ZG family and the FANTASTIC Ms. Betty came to my house and cleaned it.
Ladies, how quickly I got over the uncomfortable feeling of 'shouldn't I be doing something'.
There is nothing like the fresh clean smell of a spic and span house-- THAT I DID NOTHING TO MAKE HAPPEN!!
I love you guys!

Friday, March 09, 2007

Hot Monkey Sex Friday

NOTE: Thanks for all your well wishes...Tippy seems magically better and exceptionally chatty today.

In honor of HOT MONKEY SEX FRIDAY a list of questions from a friend from high school!

Send this to answers are broad...and might change based on specific people but here it goes.

1. Would you be in control? sometimes
2. Would you pull my hair? if you asked me to
3. Would you whisper in my ear? yes....
4. Would you talk dirty to me? OH YES!
5. Would you kiss me with a little tongue or a lot of tongue? little tongue...I like lip play
6. Would you say my name? if that rocks your world
7. Would you go down on me? with fervor
8. Would you let me give you a hickie? no
9. How many rounds would we go? you mean we could have more than one?
10. What would you wanna do afterwards? eat
11. Would you take off all your clothes then take mine off slowly? no, heated/passionate ripping off of the clothes.
12. Would you lick and bite me all over? lick and little love bites
13. Would you like to play or get straight to the point? a little play but I like efficiency
14. Would you want me to take my time? maybe
15. How freaky are you, 1 - 10? 5
16. Would you want fast or slow? depends....1st time fast, 2nd time slow
17. Where would you wanna "do it"? geographically? 1st time, wherever we are, but in a bed if we're taking it slow
18. Would you be loud or quiet? LOUD
19. Would you want me to be loud or quiet? Medium
20. Would you mind if i liked you? not at all, the more members of my fan club the better.....or did you mean 'lick'?
21. Do you like me? I already like you !
22. Would you call me the next day? you're assuming you'd leave?
23. Would you scratch me? only nice scratches...where it itches
24. Would you let me scratch you? see #23
25. Would you have to be drunk? no
26. Would you date me? no
27. Would you do it today? yes...
28. Would you do it tomorrow? yes
29. Do you think that we would go any further then just sex? no
For those who are late comers to HMSF celebrations, an off-hand comment turned into a movement to recognize our sexual nature and celebrate it in all it's forms. Plus it gives me an excuse to say 'sex'. Feel free to roll your eyes, but I'm a single mom with a mini-van...not a lot of action here! Why should Hallmark be in charge of making up the holidays??

This picture is GMAN and I planning HMSF. We were at church. Heathens!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Mommy Guilt

How many of you have done this? Sing the song with me now, baby...

"You're going to daycare even though I think you might be sick. I can't miss XYZ at work today, so I'm going to drug you up with Tylenol and PRAAAY!"

The saga began last night. Maven grabbed Tippytornado and Karateboy and we all met at Cheeburger Cheeburger for dinner (Pictures here). I arrived late because of a special program I'm running that went very, very late.

I took one look across the table at Tippy and immediately knew something wasn't right. He's a pale kid, but he was PALE. Flushed cheeks, one ear was red, eyes were watery and mopey.

I asked Maven-- did the sitter day anything about him? Did he miss his nap? Nope, nothing.

By the end of dinner he was draped across my chest like those stuffed monkeys with velcro paws. Try to eat a messy burger with a 30 pound monkey on your chest!!

We went home, had PDQ's B-Day cake and proceeded to cuddle on the couch. He even slept in his own bed. He was schmoopy to say the least. Gave him some Tylenol, just to make him well- less whiney.

He was up several times during the night, just miserable and warm. Not a fever, just warm in places he isn't usually.

This morning-- still no real 'fever' no other symptoms. He fought to get dressed, to leave, and then didn't talk all the way to the sitters. I gave her the lowdown, and a bottle of Tylenol.

So, I drove to work, knowing it was really my job to hold that little boy all day to day and be there if he threw up or took a turn for the worst. But I'm here, at work, running this program.

I know I chose to raise my kids without a partner, and I chose to have an expensive life that requires me to work. ...but man, days like today just suck.

Let's cross our fingers that maybe there is some 3 year old teething going on. Or that his body successfully beats whatever it is.....

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

What goes around...


I now have proof. Actual proof that those who lie, and deny and blame others for their ineptitude might seem to get away with it at first. Eventually, the grand order of the universe bites them in the ass.

I don't wish anyone ill directly. However, watching someone whose life is exactly the result of the choices they've made, but blamed others for, hit speed bumps is just icing on the freaking' cake of fate.

I'm done laughing heartily from my ivory tower. Bad things do sometimes happen to good people. But when bad things happen to bad people, it sure is entertainment for the rest of us!

Perhaps it is my eternal optimism, perhaps I'm just joyously surprised that I don't feel sorry for this person at all, and will not, as is usually my habit, swoop in and solve all their problems, but really, whatever caused this, THANK YOU FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT.

What goes around comes around. You reap what you intent is to sow good. I'm not always right, but I do try really hard. Those who don't try at all....well there's the return on your investment.


Wait a song is coming to mind....'You're so vain, I bet you think this blog is about you...."

Carly Simon for 2007!!

Laugh with me, people. Thanks to GOD for making all this merriment possible.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

10 Reasons I Regret this Whole Iron Girl thing some days...

This morning, at 5:15 AM, my triathlete team and I did a mini triathlon. I swam for 10 minutes, biked for 20 and ran for 10. I came up with this list, trying to ignore the pain and exhaustion in various parts of my body.

1. Boobs- even if they're small, they jiggle and bounce. That is pain, people. Also fear of something bouncing out.
2. Hair - it is either in the way, looks like crap or requires post exercise preening.
3. Thighs - we have them. No matter how fit you are, they rub, and the less fit you are the more bounces
4. My Ass - WHO INVENTED BIKE SEATS AND DECIDED THEY SHOULD BE SMALL? My 'lady's garden' (requisite sweeping hand motion thanks to Mom-O-Matic) hurts. A lot. Thank God it sees no action.
5. Shaving - I'm of eastern European descent. The hairy, ape-like Europeans. All of the parts of my body that are required to be hairless for this are a maintenance nightmare. I can't even keep up with my brows, beard and mustache. I've lost the will to pluck!
6. Heels - You start a serious exercise program, then trot through your day in cute, 2 or 3 inch heels. Give me a freakin' break!
7. Back - sort of an ode to # 1 on the list, but I still have to get through my day. Even if my shoulders are in a knot. This may not be just girls, but there is a lot more riding on my back. (see # 8 regarding pillow, which may be contributory here)
8. Sleep - I'm so freakin' tired I can't see straight. Really. I want to take a nap. NOW. By the time I get the kids to bed, I'm awake. And ever since I left my pillow at PAguy's house, I've been unable to find the perfect pillow. I can't remember where I bought that one. I've spent more than $100 on FREAKIN' pillows. I want to go to his house and take my pillow back. But he'll think I'm trying to SEE him. I WANT MY EFFIN PILLOW, not a 6 foot 6 dumbass.
9. Food - I'm so hungry, I get dizzy sometimes. I still weigh 168 pounds. Haven't lost an ounce in 7 weeks. Nothing, save going face down in a bowl of pasta makes me feel better. There must be a better way. I just don't have the energy to find it.
10. Pee - I'm required to drink half my body weight in water every day. If I don't I hurt more, and I'm more miserable. You do the math on how often I have to pee.

One more thing. No matter how much I exercise, I'm still not comfortable showing any more of my body. I dream of being confident enough to wear a two piece. I'm hoping to get there, but I'm working my ass off and not losing any weight. I think this would be easier if some weight would fall off.

Meh. Head down. Push toward the end. No rest for the wicked.

I hope this thought helps my future MILF's when they're hitting a plateu. I hope theirs doesn't last 7 weeks.

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow-- that is patience."

Monday, March 05, 2007

My Visual DNA

This was so cool. I just responded to whatever moved me at the moment-- didn't put a whole lot of thought into it.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Damsel In Distress

I struggle with this whole strong woman thing. I feel like if I ask for help or if I let someone help me, I'm being weak and a bother. Then, when I don't I surely regret it. Good news for my blog readers because that behavior lends itself to funny stories!!

For example, when I had gall bladder surgery in December, my church offered meals. Was I STUPID! The kids were with their dad, and I was sure that it wouldn't be a problem, so I said thanks but no thanks. Until I got hungry and realized I didn't have it together enough to go to the store or make any decisions. I was miserable.

So yesterday, I'm riding my new bike with the clip pedals and was practicing on the cul-de-sac. I felt brave, so I thought I'd go the next road over and practice shifting on the tiny hill. Something wasn't right, my chain jumped off, and I couldn't get my foot out the clips fast enough...and I teetered over.

BAM! Tippytornado was looking on in horror, so, outside, I was smiling and reassuring him. Inside I crumbled.

I hit my left elbow pretty hard and it sort of rang my bell. I sat there on the road for a few minutes, dizzy, trying to get my left foot (which was under the bike) out of the clip so I could stand up. Then, I couldn't get my chain un jammed. WHY DID I CHOOSE SPORTS I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT? I sat on the ground, gathering myself, fighting the 'damsel in distress' tears. I got up and started walking the bike, figuring I'd wade into the X's tools in the garage and figure it out myself. Maybe I'd buy a book on bike repair.

To the rescue came my neighbor, Phil, complete with tools and bike knowledge. He adjusted all my stuff and looked pretty funny taking it all on a test drive. Big, tall, Phil on a teeny, girly bike. I didn't feel bad letting Phil help me, he was happy to do it.

My elbow was literally vibrating with pain. Gman came by later that day and kissed my boo boo. Maven suggested ice. I still felt so STUPID. I keep consoling myself with thoughts of, "at least I'm trying" but answer back with, "this certainly SOUNDED cooler than it actually is".

It's like the ladder story. Why did I buy a stupid ladder? Sooner or later someone would have helped me! But I apparently require a certain level of public confidence/competence-- even though it is only a charade. Why do I have to PROVE anything to myself? None if this is for any single person but me. (though it continues to piss me off/push me forward when my mother makes fun of me)

Today in triathlon class, my new bike required a complete change to my training equipment, requiring non-bike tools. I kept asking until someone had the wrenches I needed. I got to work, and one of the trainers was impressed that I could turn wrenches. She remarked that I was 'handy'. I just thought it was an odd comment for a group of people who are triathlon training and who need to know how to fix their bikes on the road. Tough bunch. They do events with Iron in the name. I should hope they're relatively 'handy' as a group.

As I was cycling, I was thinking...does she think I'm a wimp? Sure, I have a much lower fitness level than anyone in the class. I have to stop some times because my legs hurt. I actually limped out of this morning's workout. I didn't finish the last set of 4 minute intervals running at 6 miles an hour. It isn't that I don't want to try, but I don't know the limits between pushing myself and doing damage. My race is still 5 months out, so I'm OK with that. How does my fitness level equate with my ability to turn a wrench? Why do I care?

So where does the expectation lie? I can do lots of things for myself. Some times I need...dare I say PREFER help. I don't want to learn to do EVERYTHING... if someone wants to climb on my roof for me and fix my gutter covers, have at it baby! I'll write your resume, make you food or corral your kids some day.

I think that is the place that the biggest change is taking place inside me. I used to push people away like a two year old, "I do it myself!" I think I still do to some extent. But I'm learning.

Just like my quest to be able to hug with abandon (which I'm proud to report I did in church today-- friends actually email hug reports to my friend and acupuncturist) I need to find comfort with accepting help. Not that I want someone to take care of me, as much of a fantasy that is, I just want someone some times to suggest that if I'm limping on the left, I should carry my bag on the right. Or that I should ice that injury.

This is not going into significant other territory. If I look around my wide circle of friends, I have many someones that would help me with anything I need. I just need to ask. Then let them help.

That doesn't make me a damsel in distress, that makes me human. If I whine while I do it and toss my hair over my shoulder, then I'm a damsel! :-D

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Judge Me. I live out loud.

For the record.

What you see here is not ME in it's entirety. What I choose to discuss here is often just those items that perplex me the most, or are the funniest or the things I need to process OUT LOUD. Because I am an extrovert. I process out loud.

I don't think about what I'm about to write, nor how other people are going to react to it, or if they're going to like it. If I put that filter on, the filter I have to think about every other moment of my blessed life, then this wouldn't be fun any more. This is the place where you accept what I say at face value. If it resonates on some level. Cool. If not, that's just fine, too. I'll never have to face you.

On Thursday's post I referred to this dating thing as a teeny tiny detail. I meant it. In the greater picture of my life...teeny tiny. The rest of my life is pretty boring. Fabulous job, great kids, time spent at the gym, time spent with good friends, my family, my church family, etc. Really, the play by play is mundane.

So to answer the well-meaning person who reads only this blog and knows nothing else and says to herself, "Have you ever thought about just taking some time for yourself without a man? Just a thought."

All this time is for me. Every minute of it. I'm sucking the life out of it as hard as I can. There is a big difference between going on a date and 'having' a man. Everything I'm doing is for I guess the answer is no, I haven't thought about it in particular. I'm just doing my thing.

I CHOOSE to seek occasional male companionship and discuss it here because I'm most inexperienced and confused by the whole business. My choices to seek female friends is pretty boring stuff so I don't talk about it much. My choices to take the kids on adventures are fun, but not exciting. Nothing there to process through. My choice to compete in a triathlon in itself sucks up an incredible amount of time and energy. I could do a whole blog on just what I'm learning about my body and nutrition and the whole thing alone. I choose not to because it is for me and I don't know another single soul who wants to hear me whine about muscle aches or how tired I am or how hungry I am. I do brag about how I can't pinch fat on the outside of my thighs, though. Because I've never been this healthy in my life.

I am seeing a counselor, who I've talked about here. My obsession with working out, my children and every other detail is healthy because I obsess about everything pretty much equally.

The hope of actually regularly dating someone I care about some day makes all this processing and learning necessary. There are so many things I don't know about myself that I can't learn sitting alone in my house with my friends Ben and Jerry. I learn by doing. By making mistakes. By living out loud.

I want to be healthy and ready when the opportunity for companionship presents itself. I've got a long way to go. I have volumes to learn.

So, go ahead judge me if you want. But know the facts first. I live out loud.

Friday, March 02, 2007

HMSF - My Fine Is $455.60

Today's celebration is all about the fun. (I'm skipping an MILF report because it is just more of the same....I'm thinking time laps photography of my belly might be in order.)

But I digress....

This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each offense and added up your total fine. When you are done, blog it. Title your post "My fine is $....."
You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.
1. Smoked pot -- $10
2. Did acid -- $5
3. Ever had sex at church -- $25
4. Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
5. Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
6. Had sex for money -- $100
7. Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
8. Vandalized something -- $20
9. Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
10. Beat up someone -- $20
11. Been jumped -- $10
12. Crossed dressed -- $10
13. Given money to stripper -- $25
14. Been in love with a stripper -- $20
15. Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
16. Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
17. Ever drive drunk -- $20
18. Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
19. Used toys while having sex -- $30
20. Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
21. Went skinny dipping -- $5
22. Had sex in a pool -- $20
23. Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
24. Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
25. Cheated on your significant other -- $10
26. Masturbated -- $10
27. Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
28. Done oral -- $5
29. Got oral -- $5
30. Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
31. Stole something -- $10
32. Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
33. Made a nasty home video -- $15
34. Had a threesome -- $50
35. Had sex in the wild -- $20
36. Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
37. Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
38. Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
39. Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
40. Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
41. Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
42. Went streaking -- $5
43. Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
44. Been arrested -- $5
45. Spent time in jail -- $15
46. Peed in the pool -- $0.50
47. Played spin the bottle -- $5
48. Done something you regret -- $20
49. Had sex with your best friend -- $20
50. Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
51. Had anal sex -- $80
52. Lied to your mate -- $5
53. Lied to your mate a bout the sex being good -- $25

Tally it up and post it in comments...please!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Lovin' the questions...

..but first a boob report. The new bra is faaabulous and the twins are singing 'Up Where We Belong'.

So, I resolve to 'love the questions', right? Tuesday I was angry at the questions....really I have made every dream I've ever had come true and on this teeny tiny thing...I have to sit and wait for BIOLOGY?


I ran and worked off all the excess energy not having any sex tends to build up coupled with an intense amount of anger and frustration. How could they not me into ME? They don't even know how broken I really am and once they do...well...forget it.

All is right in my head at this point... and I am resolved that they're not into me and it isn't the right time anyway.

Just as I take two steps phone buzzes with a txt message from Fireguy. Simple check in stuff that would be normal from someone I know well, but I barely know him. So I try to blow it off, ask him not to be a stranger....yeah right. As a matter of fact, I should have said just that....'YEAH, RIIIIIIGHT'. Though I really could use his running coaching and may ask him just as a friend to help me out. I'm slowly losing my motivation there.

Then, Cute Gym Guy is in class yesterday. We were supposed to swim this morning..which would have been cool, but my mom is out of town. I didn't remember 'till I got home and with no contact info., I'm hoping he's not peeved that I blew him off. It wasn't really a formal arrangement anyway, more like, "I'll see you there!" sort of thing. But again, no contact even if we're just workout buddies (he is motivating to work out with) it's cool, but shit happens. Sorry.

Then, a friend from Yahoo (whom I've never met but had some very DEEEP conversations with) calls. We've been talking for 2-3 months. He offers to rock my world, as always. Just his voice and the way he talks to me wakes me up in ways I just don't need. He leads me into temptation if you know what I mean. But I can't and won't go that way. If he were that into me, he'd take me to dinner...then rock my world. I do melt a teeny bit when I hear his voice, though...

Surely Baltimore Guy will message me today. Because that's apparently the cycle. I lose my mind, then they make contact. And I over analyze every bit of it until I lose my mind again.

I'm not letting the rubber band pull me back into madness this time. It stings too much.

If they're not that into me, then hopefully something shiny will distract them and they'll leave me alone. I've got to find something shiny...pronto.