Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Retail Therapy

Yesterday I was recovering from my epiphany and a weekend that wasn't all it was cracked up to be. So after work, I went to the gym (ran just under 4 miles thankyouverymuch), showered and headed to the mall. After hitting several sales, I was home, showing the boys what I'd bought.

First to Bath and Body for more Vanilla Jasmine moisturizer...hmmmm who needs perfume when you can rub that all over your body!! The boys said, "Ewww STINKY!" and STBX rolled his eyes (he gets tuck in duty on Tuesdays and always hated that stuff-- which is why I slather it on now).

Then to my Victoria's Secret bag....I had a coupon for free undies and $10 off a bra.

I pulled the bra out of the bag and Tippytornado screamed, "MOMMY'S GOT NEW BOOBIES!!!"

It was the new, molded push up one, and yes, it looked like it was already full. We were in hysterics.

I quickly put it back in the bag and moved onto the shoes I'd bought for them and myself....but his excitement at my New Boobies never really subsided.

So glad someone is excited about my new bra! :-D

Monday, February 26, 2007

The Epiphany

Yep, I'm waaay off on the liturgical calendar. But sometimes, heaven and earth moves on my terms, not Jesus'.

Today was a sucky day. I finally found someone saying AGAIN..."have you read 'He's Just Not That Into You'?'d really enjoy it" and I finally said back, "if I hear that one more time I'm going to kill myself". OK ALREADY!

See, someone I trusted, however inadvertently, pretty much called me a slut for talking to multiple guys at the same time. It really broke my heart. Because you'd expect a friend to tell you to your face you've taken it a little too far. I thought that was what being single was about? Just getting to know what's out there. It isn't like I'd seen anyone many, many times, or promised fidelity-- in fact, I was quite up front about exactly what I was doing. I was on Yahoo freakin' personals for God's sake. The electronic meat market.

To boot, I was angry that after going to the meat market again, I STILL went home feeling like the ugly fat girl I thought I'd out grown. So, why do I give THESE OTHER people the power to judge me? I dunno. But I hope I've gotten burned enough to be done.

So, after work, Tippytornado and I went right to Borders. 'He's Just Not That Into You' is such a good book, I was reading it in traffic. I read it through dinner. I laughed so hard I had to put it down and go do some laundry to recover. I am in that book, in so many places it's sad, but funny because no one makes fun of me better than me. (well, maybe my mother)

I ended my marriage because he just wasn't into me. Did that knowledge and strength carry into my dating life? NOPEROONY! I repeated all the same bizarre behavior.

Keeping the weekend open because I'M sure he'll come by and surprise me. Sending witty, pithy text messages to get a conversation started, sending gifts to his friends so they'll HAVE to talk about me. Triggering a memory. And a phone call. Just because I want him to know I'm thinking of him.

What did I learn from the book? If a guy was into me, he'd think about me often....and ask me quesitons about the mundane crap in my life. He'd make sure my weekend was booked with him so I didn't make a date with someone else. If he's not the kind of guy to take charge, and I have to, I really don't want him, do I? Noperoony!

Even the guy I'm actually sort of dating-- he's not that into me. Don't know how I didn't fall into that typical trap, though with him-- he talks constantly about if we have a future together it will be this way, or when you marry into my family it will be that way, or when I stay over the boys will stay in their own rooms (I even had a few moments of HEY SLOW DOWN SPARKY! YOU'VE NOT BEEN INVITED TO COACH KARATEBOY'S LITTLE LEAGUE YET!). If you calculate the same kinda talk in accordance with my other relationship behavior, I normally would have been shopping for wedding gowns by now. For some reason, I just sort of laugh at him and have another drink. MAYBE I'M JUST NOT INTO HIM. (I'll give you a minute to register surprise)

This is a big moment for me. Do you hear the choir of angels?

The book did help me feel powerful in not wondering why they don't call. I know it isn't my problem. I have my triathlon goals to cuddle and music to shovel snow with and my blog to watch movies with on the weekend. I just need to learn new habits and behaviors and each time I'm confronted with a new situation I don't freak out and go all gooey. I know it mostly happens when I'm not consumed with being a mother.

Here it is in bold: The fact that they're just not into me isn't necessarily a reflection that there is something wrong with me. Nothing I want to change right now, anyhow. I get enough positive validation from those who love me. If I were crazy, surely they'd be the first to tell me, RIGHT!?!?!?

That is the second point I learned from the book. Friends, please stop nodding your head and encouraging me to just get laid already? There are two paths to getting laid, the first is dangerous behavior with a stranger (I've got 2-3 standing offers for that right now from guys I've chatted with online for several months but never met), the second is to be in a relationship with someone. (there is the third -- that I'm a slutty whore-- and I'm hoping to dispel that rumor in short order)

For the second, there needs to be mutual into each otheredness. Do you get it? Only one person has been THAT into me, but it wasn't mutual. He's wonderful and attentive and strong. I really do enjoy talking and spending time with him. I'm just not attracted to him. I told him flat out on the 3rd or 4th date, because unlike the guys I've been into I AM NOT A COWARD. I was taking Neil Clark Warren's advice about knowing by the 2nd date. He still messages me. I look forward to our friendship. But I don't want to lead him on, and I guess I'm too shallow to try to fall for him anyway.

So friends, please...when I start getting all googly and overlooking obvious flaws-- like the fact he only calls me after he's drunk. Or that he says he wants to have dinner, then never calls. Could you remind me of these things? I just need reinforcement and coaching while I'm practicing.

I'm not being a shallow bitch expecting to be pursued. If you want me, pursue me, and I'll respond honestly. The sad part of the book is the truest-- statistically, it will be a long time before I find what I'm looking for. This gives me time to figure it out and make lists. Maybe they'll be as poetic as Sizzle's. Right now they read like job descriptions (occupational hazard, I think!). And time for the other person to get to the same mental spot in time exactly that they want to be with me.

Once I heard that finding intelligent life in space is hard because the other planet would need to be in nearly the same phase of it's life as earth. That is, it can't be right after life formed or a billion years after life on that planet died out. Synching up our time with theirs is a very narrow wedge-- so that we'd be able to recognize and appreciate said life forms. I think finding the love of your life is the same way.

So someone send me this quote today, "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions

So I'm living the questions. And waiting for my wedge in time and the other person that will want to chase after me. I'm surely not going to find it at the meat market.

Could you all remind me of it in two weeks when I start to freak out because I don't have the kids and I'm all alone? Please only encourage the 'He's Just Not Into You' sanctioned behaviors. It is going to take a while to detox, but with your support, I can do it. I'll even share my copy of the book with you because you will laugh your freakin' ass off. (yes even the guys should read, because they have given me the WORST guy advice to date)

So, I asked my 7 year old for advice (he is a guy in training, right?). 'Karateboy, if you had a cell phone, how many times a day do you think you'd call me?'

'All the time, because I think of you all the time because I love you, my brother and my Power Rangers'

....from the mouths of babes, huh?

Sunday, February 25, 2007


This is the first snow storm without the kids. Shoveling was a little lonely without anyone to yell at. Plus, just as I was getting ready to get off line and go shovel, I noticed the guy I met on Valentine's Day online. The back story there is that he knew I was free this weekend. He last contacted me on Tuesday. I sent a witty note back. Then nothing. Ya'll know how I feel about nothing.

So I sent him a message inviting him to shovel. No response.

I went outside. Music on, and it went a little somethin' like this:

"where the streets have no name...!"

why is it that there are so many perfectly decent people complaining they can't find a perfectly decent member of the opposite sex?? because half of us are crazy. and the other half are stupid.

Insert shovel, heave, insert shovel HEAVE!

"uh haaaa where the streets have no name..." least have the decency to call. Say, please don't message me again. Don't just hide.

shovel, heave, shovel heave...what a pretty, light snow- perfect for snow people --shovel HEAVE shovel HEAVE!

"in the naaaame of looove.."

fuck love. I just don't want to shovel alone. I want to pick up a pile of snow and heave it at someone and laugh my ass off. Then kiss them.

Maybe I like this whole martyred woman thing. I mean, there is a guy or two who likes me. I should just be happy for that. Maybe I should lay off the drama for a while. whatever.

Shovel, HEAVE, shovel, HEAVE, shovel, HEAVE!

"..because you're so smooooth 'cause it's just like the ocean under the moon, it's same as the emotion that I get from yooouuu..."
...nah, I'm a good and decent person. But do I have an over-inflated sense of self? Look at what impatience and lack of sense did for me the LAST time.

shovel, HEAVE,shovel HEAVE.

By the time I finished my driveway,

I was good and pissed off.

So I went on, switched to heavier rock music, and finished the side yard. This picture is courtesy of Nickleback:

Then, I noticed the neighbors were out of town, and it would suck to come home to a full driveway, so I shoveled for them, too. They were very grateful. Surely this will score me fresh baked cookies.

Friday, February 23, 2007

I am Iron Mom

At the church thing Thursday night playing twister when someone else's 7 year old climbs on my back. And I left him there, and continued to play the game.

Another parent marvelled, and I laughed, cause I'm pretty much used to it. GMan and I joked that we should host the Iron Mom Tri Athlon. For example, there would be three events: 1) running with groceries 2) driving while feeding children 3)baking brownies with a kid on your back.

Wait...that sounds like every day?? Doesn't it?

I'm open to suggestions. That is just the kind of event that this city would embrace whole heartedly. We could wear MILF patches on our sleeves...

MILF Checkin/Hot Monkey Sex Friday

Seems sort of odd to keep combining the two but I'm all about efficiency.

As for the MILF update. FANTASTIC week. I took yesterday off and it was soooo much harder to get started again today. Mid-week the scale went down 3 pounds. Today, it is right back where it has been all along. Do I get a consistency award?

Oh, and I have a beef!! Why is it taboo to talk about your weight? I am what I am. I'm tired of skirting the subject and having people GASP when they find the truth. I'm 168.5 pounds. Some days I'm 170. Some days I'm 166. But most days I'm 168.5 pounds. I'm 5'2", clinically considered morbidly obese. Ask anyone who knows me though, there is nothing morbid nor obese about me. I've been working out 6-8 times a week for the last 5 weeks. I can run a 5K, swim 1,000 yards and bike for miles. I can run after my children and dance all night long. Since I started working out at this pace, I can't possibly be over eating because I'm STARVING most of the time.

My size 12P jeans keep sliding down. My ribs stick out. My thighs still jiggle but I think it is muscular-- cause the cellulite is going away. Even my wrists are noticably tinier. I still have the baby pouch, but alas, I've had two babies and didn't do anything about it when the time was right. I'm afraid if I push to lose too much weight, I'll lose my boobs and we CANNOT HAVE THAT!

I think people gasp when they hear I'm about 170 lbs because everyone else so routinely lies about it. The measurement assumption is skewed. So, FUCK the weight. I'm going to measure my MILF success in miles, baby.

No good pictures of Hot Monkey Sex Friday today. Gman had put the camera away by the time I whipped out Twister with the kiddies last night. Thankfully, though, because he also pointed out that my pink panties were making an appearance above the waist line of my pants!!

I have seeing a gentleman friend this evening, but I have no grand plans for HMS. I dunno. It isn't that I don't want the physical act (GOD do I need to have my world rocked!) my heart just isn't in it. I know I can count on good food, good wine, excellent conversation, and very big laughs. So YEAH! me!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Just a quick quote...

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort
-Herm Albright

See I am perky with an edge!

You decide

So, my friend finally got a response today...on Wednesday...after an incident on Saturday. What do you think, friends? 'Cause everyone has an opinion.


Well, weigh in fans....

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Seething with Anger

What makes perfectly normal guys act like complete idiots? Please tell me.

Someone very close to me has been single for 8 years. The Internet has been her way of making friends and experiencing life. She's had an ad on one of the free dating sites for quite some time.

Last week, a man started messaging her...calling her 3-4 times a day. I even spoke to this man on the phone because he cancelled a V-Day date with her at the last minute. I was peeved because I could have had a date that day, but since she had one, I've had to wait 'till this weekend.

There wasn't a moment that those two weren't chatting about EVERYTHING. He seemed like a really nice man, a little heavy, but just perfect for this other person.

They had a date Friday night. She was waiting at Starbucks, and he even called her when he was in the parking lot. Then NOTHING. He didn't show, no calls, no e-mails. There she was, hair blow dried, makeup on, sitting in Starbucks just waiting.

Doesn't your heart just sit like a rock in your chest? Clearly, his family would have contacted her by now and she would have seen the emergency crews trying to revive him if he'd died of a heart attack in the parking lot?? RIGHT??

I'm thinking the shallow dumbass saw her (even though her pictures are VERY accurate) and changed his mind. She is beautiful and sweet, albeit heavy. It isn't something she hides. He's no Lance Armstrong himself, you know?

At the very least he owed her an introduction. Ended a short coffee with, 'hey I'm just not attracted to you." Or sent an e-mail to the same effect after. Hell, I still scheduled the 'bail out call' with someone if there isn't a convenient end time to our first meeting.

Instead nothing. Sorta the way PAGuy handled me in the end. Just nothing.

What kind of disrespectful, lowdown, dirty scum would do that to someone after chasing them and getting their hopes up?

It is all I can do not to call him myself. As a matter of fact, I just might. Tell him what he did to someone I love and how he should be ashamed of himself. How he purports himself to be a Christian but doesn't show the basic grace, mercy and maturity that befits a man.

I know this pain all too well. Effin' cowards. I've told a perfectly nice guy that I'm not attracted to him. It sucked. But it was fair and honest.

I'm sure we all agree that she obviously was too good for him. He is a coward and I hope his next conquest gives him the clap.

Monday, February 19, 2007

6 odd things about me

Posh tagged everyone who reads her to meme '6 odd things about me'. So excited to include myself-- narrowing the field to just six is a challenge. I tend to pride myself in my extraordinary traits.

1. I can touch my nose with my tongue
2. I hold my breath underwater with my upper lip (thereby completely blocking my nose with a vast piece of skin)
3. My mother is clearly my mother--- but the other half of my biological origins are a mystery to me-- and sshhh! we're not allowed to talk about it-- 'cause the family tree might have a loop in the branch.
4. I love 7th Heaven and have for years....icky acting and all...deep inside I want to be good! There was a short time that I wanted to study divinity and become a Lutheran Pastor
5. My 'big' toe is actually shorter than the next toe by about a half an inch. On both feet. Old ladies tell me that shows I'm smart. Others are just grossed out.
6. I collected teddy bears-- Cherished Teddies to be exact. Didn't think it was odd until I saw the look on GMan's face upon learning about said collection--- we'd been friends for 8 years. Something about the juxtaposition of teddy bears and smut talk....I dunno.

TAG! You're it now! All five of my faithful readers.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

He ate the WHOLE THING!

Karateboy finished the half pound burger at Cheeburger Cheeburger. (Parents whose children don't eat, take heart....he only started eating in the last year.)

Oh and he ordered it all by himself....I just need to teach him to order takeout and my work is done! OH, fun in Columbia on a Sunday can't see the ketchup and mustard all over his shirt. He's so proud to have his picture on the wall now.


Oh My GOD!!

So, I'm like, at the gym, ok...and like we did the whole cycling thing this morning at 7AM.

Then, we usually run. Last week, I stayed in on the treadmill and whined the whole time about how my legs hurt.

Today, I remembered my IPOD, and I was determined to do the full workout and try to time out at about 11 minutes a mile.

Well, wooo MY HOOO! I did the 5 minute warm up, 5 minute intervals (fast then slow then fast then slow) then the 5 minutes in zone II (breathing heavy where you can just lose your ability to talk).

Then, as the last one was ending, I thought, heck, I'll do 5 more minutes. 'Cause the size 1 chick on the treadmill next to me was flying. Then, I didn't want to die so much, so I did 5 minutes more.

Before I knew it I was at 2.5 miles and averaging 11:06/mile!!! The race length is 3.5!! So not to be outdone, I did a little more and stopped around 3.8!!

I could run the WHOLE RACE! Who knew?? I ran the miles AFTER cycling!!

So, do I go to the gym a little early tomorrow to run before spin class???? HHMMM?

Let's see if I can walk tomorrow. Then we'll decide. BUT WOO HOO! I CAN RUN A 5K and not die!!!

Saturday, February 17, 2007


It is a very rare day when I mention my job or my profession on this blog. Obviously, getting dooced is always in my mind, but basically, I bitch here. There is very little to bitch about, very few really good stories of interest when it comes to my job. I work with and for people I love like family and am genuinely proud every day that I get to be around them and learn from them-- and that they put up with me.

Yesterday was my 9th anniversary with the company. My has time flown. I have been in the same general profession for 13 years. It is time for me to complain. Just this once. And maybe, just maybe, someone will bitch a little less at their HR department, or not look down their noses when I proudly pipe up about my chosen line of work.

People who work in HR like to help other people. That is who we are. We like people. There is nothing like a job in HR to make you think that maybe you don't like them as much as you thought.

My one request that would change the lives of HR people across the country is this: Please stop confusing customer service with entitlement. What I mean is, there are basic things folks do every day all across the country that one could easily say are basic daily functions of being an adult in the United States. Things like, eating, dressing, driving a car, responding to requests for information, balancing your checkbook, updating your address when you move. Of of course the granddaddy of them all.. when your company e-mails you 10,000 times to enroll for benefits 'cause it's that time of year BY ALL MEANS CONSIDER IT A PERSONAL INVITATION!

I know an entire list of very educated, very productive, functional adults who take complete leave of their senses when it comes to things they think someone else ought to be doing for them in the name of customer service.

Please think of it this way. You work really hard to bring in revenue (I'm sorry, folks in sales are the WORST). I work really hard to reinvest that revenue in ways that make you want to bring in more revenue with compensation, training, benefits and an array of other programs. our team puts stuff in place to make your lives as easy as possible. Really. That's the goal.

However, in my years of advanced education, I have not learned mind reading. Try as I might, I don't know what benefits you want, or how you want your taxes withheld or how many sugars you like in your coffee. Frankly I don't care, but that is besides the point. THOSE CHOICES ARE ONLY SOMETHING YOU CAN MAKE. It is not my fault, nor my staff's when you don't perform a basic task or respond to communications.

Don't get me wrong. When something isn't right, I track the details down, get the right people involved and solve the problem/improve the situation. It is just plain sad, though, when my hands are tied simply 'cause you didn't play your role in this little dance.

I'll make a deal with you. If you really want a staff of folks to wipe your ass and read your mind, I'll be happy to take that revenue you bring in and re-deploy it. Of course it's going to cost you. For example, would you rather we pay 80% of your medical costs, or reduce that to 50% so that we can hire someone to chase you down and beg you to tell us which plan you'd like and whom you'd like to cover.

Oh, and when you miss a teeny detail like annual enrollment, you tell everyone you know, draw your own conclusions and whip 15 people into a frenzy. Thereby increasing the fire I have to fight by 15X. I can't really focus on you when you've launched an all out attack, right? But since you've already told everyone you meet how stupid and worthless we are, I find it really hard to kiss your ass. Wow...isn't it cool when your customers do that? Instead of you spending your time doing what you do best, you're in their offices teaching them what a mouse is and that you shouldn't hang magnets on their computer.

Please think like a business person at work. You have one person to look after (well, and your family, too) we've got thousands. And the job just doesn't come with any sort of artificial intelligence or ESP. If you are so inept at detail, hire your own assistant. They'd get you coffee, and pick up your dry cleaning, too. Lord knows you make enough...don't even get me started on the pain of watching your bonus checks flow through!!!

Happy Saturday!

Friday, February 16, 2007

MILF Checkin/Hot Monkey Sex Friday

Sorry, guys. I just don't have the energy to celebrate with you. Or take pictures of my new muscles. It has been a week. So just a quick update on my very kicked ass.

Rough week with the boys and behavior....not being in school has us all a little cranky.

No weight loss, but you knew that. I can run two miles but it takes like 30-40 minutes. I can swim 1000 yards, but it takes like an hour. I know with practice I'll be amazing so I purge forward, just happy that I can do it at all. A new friend who is a running coach said I should run 4-5 times a week to really get better. UGH! When the weather is above freezing, perhaps I'll run to the gym and back. That's a coupla miles...

So, the spring in yesterday's step was because there was a cute guy who wanted to take me to dinner, and he's got all the qualities on my 'list'. We met for coffee, and I couldn't stop staring at his eyes....we talked for an hour.

As I was leaving, he said he'd catch up with me later. I sent an e-mail saying thanks for meeting me..I hope it was worth it for you. Then, I waited all day for just the teeniest response. Nothing.

During Greys Anatomy (oh my GOD! It was so good) I saw him online, so I waited a few minutes and messaged him-- something like, "did you like my green skin and warts, 'cause if you didn't, I'm ok with that..."

Of course, he laughed, but it was a veeerrry slow conversation. He said he'd like to see me a again and said some sweet things, but I can't get a read at all. So no spring today...just puzzlement. How could he not be into me, 'cause I'm awesome. Or maybe he is and he actually knows how to play it cool. Or he's just as puzzled by me.

The good news is, that this is a relatively small town, and we likely know some of the same people. I'm counting on my network of fans to let him know how super-fantastic I am and that he ought to get to know me.

Then again, I'm in no hurry. The funny thing is how many guys seemed to crawl out of the woodwork yesterday from my recent past. They did the same thing after New Years Eve .... do they say to themselves-- well, my holiday's sucked, I bet Esme is desperate??

I dunno, maybe the chicks from the ladies room can explain.....first the 'catch you later' than they don't and second the after holiday desperation call....

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Wrap up from yesterday...

In the house, all day with the boys, with work to get done, and snow and ice was not one of my best days. Karateboy took off, despite my request that he stay on OUR property. I had a general idea of where we he was, but I didn't want to WALK there...although, here in Columbia, the jogging paths are plowed before the roads. Fitness First!

The fun was definitely the constant kisses and hugs and well wishes from all of my admiring fans, even the ones I keep pushing away.

Karateboy was examining his conversation hearts and said, "Mommy, these aren't complete thoughts..." His teachers would be SO proud. Try to fit a complete thought on a little teeny heart. Darned if I didn't read every freakin' one both boys dug out of their boxes..... the discussions of what the cute little phrases meant-- especially with the chatty Tippytornado made me really happy to be a mom.

So the best? The best was that I could have had a date...but opted to play it cool. I met him for coffee today and things look promising. (See me? How cool is that? I'm not even bouncing of the walls about his hotness, or his sweetness or anything!! COOOOL! That's me. I'm going to stop talking about it now 'cause that's what cooool people do. They are unruffleable)

It is a long and funny story, but I can't share lest I jinx it....I'll share details after it tanks (which is my luck). Let's just say there is a spring in my step and a smile today, and it isn't all just the exercise/Starbucks high!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


Personally, I'm surrounded by love. Tippytornado caught me tearing up during Dumbo and gave me hugs and kisses until I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. Karateboy was sitting on my lap telling me about his day, and stroking my hair....and I got three 'I love you's' out of that one. I am proud of the fact, that I may not have taught Tippy his alphabet, but I take credit (at least partial) for the fact that he's not afraid to show affection--- in abundance!

Each day friends and family and I share our love for one another more than ever before. It wasn't until I was about 30 that I started to make it a point to end every conversation with someone I love with an 'I love you'. Just in case, 'cause life is short.

So, today is in honor of that love, and the folks I love know it 'cause I walk the talk all year long.

I stumbled on this web site, which has incredible amounts of useful information. But my favorite (other than 'How to Become a Millionaire') is 'Scientific Proof That We All Need Love' .

That goes hand in hand with my assertion that we also need touching and hugging and smiles. I'm sure there is science somewhere to support that.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I was gonna play two truths and a lie, but this hit my in-box today, so I took the easy way out. I think some of you'll be surprised by my responses...Some of them are the funniest stories!! Stay tuned for future blogs on that one....

Copy and Paste.
Put an X in front of all the things you have done.
Remove the X from the things you have not and send it to all your friends (including me) .
This is for your entire life:
( ) Smoked a cigarette
(x) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend's car
( ) Stolen a car
(x) Been in love
(x) Been dumped
( ) Been laid off/fired
(x) Been in a fist fight
( ) Been shot at
( ) Been stabbed
( ) Snuck out of your parent's house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
(x) Seen someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(X) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins..(vending machine at work..does that count?)
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't...
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about or love
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a party
(x) Gone roller-skating
(x) Ice-skating1.
Do you have any nicknames? Esmerelda, Woozy
2. What is your favorite drink? Chai Tea Latte
3. Tattoos? No4. Any piercing? Ears
5. How much do you love your job? I'm really VERY lucky! I do!
6. Favorite vacation spot? The Beach
7. Ever been to Africa ? No8. Ever steal any traffic signs? No-- but I planned it
9. Ever been in a car accident? Yes10. How many door does your car have? 511. Salad dressing? vinaigrette
12 Favorite number? 7
13. Favorite holiday? Christmas
14. Favorite food? Indian15. Favorite Day of the week? Saturday
16. Favorite brand of body soap? Dove17. Favorite Tooth Paste? Whatever is on sale
18. Favorite smell? the ocean
19. What do you do to relax? Read, watch movies
20. Message to friends/family reading this? You CAN do it, just depends on how much effort you want to put into it.
21. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Taking over the world
22. What do you do when you are bored? lose my mind...
23. Whats the farthest you will send this? The Internet is endless...I'm blogging!
24. Who will respond the fastest? no idea
25. Least likely to respond? no idea

Monday, February 12, 2007

Mondays SUCK!!


"Wha?? Huh?? Ugh..."

"Mommy I threw uuuup."

EW. I twas in a need little noodly pile, but it managed to touch everything just a little. The jammies, the sheet, the comforter, the pillow.....ugh...and my should blades were so aching....ugh...

His first question was, "what are those worms? oh...yeah..chicken noodle soup"

I swallowed hard and tried not to breathe in. I have no back up, so I can't lose my noodles, too!

I ordered him to take his slightly pukey jammies off as I take the bed stuff to the basement. As I head donw the stairs, I holler over my shoulder, "you can climb in my bed when you're done"

Came back upstairs, he was in my bed WITH THE NASTY JAMMIES! Ugh...I roust him out, and make him change.

Back to bed. Shoulders hurt. Heating pad, rice bag, nothing is helping. Oh, man...

5AM came waaaay too early. Karateboy snoring like crazy. Snooze...alarm didn't go off. 5:20 CRAP! Class is at 5:45....and cute gym guy might be there.

Of course, he wasn't. I worked from home, I'm tired, my shoulders hurt, I need to go make the beds and no flirting today.

Meh. But I think, if I don't lose any weight this week, I'm posting pictures of my rock hard legs and my ribs...cause you can see them now. HAH!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

...and I STILL made it to church!

That's right....I partied with friends at the meat market until 1AM...made my 7 AM workout....went to church...took the longest, hottest shower....then went to sleep.

What a weekend!

So, they say it is a meat market...and while there were, um, took 4 shots of tequila for me to feign any interest. Then, a friend of a friend, danced with us...but I HAD to leave to get some sleep. Besides, my wing-girl wasn't feeling well and her dancing friend wasn't gentleman enough to walk her to her car (or show up on time).

The drinking doesn't mix well with the training. I have to find a balance. Another outing is planned for next Friday. I'm sorta glad I'm doing this a little wiser and older....I wouldn't have savored the fun nearly as much 10 years ago....

Josh, the obviously young Matthew Foxish looking guy (from Lost) was on our radar, we called him was a marine just back from Iraq (we get a LOT of that here). Conversations were as deep as a puddle, and the crowd was deep. Ran into an old friend from Yahoo personals....he was surprised that I came out of my basement. Anyway, no good morning after stories....but I'll keep you posted!

I have one mystery that the Internet can help me answer....this is the second guy I talked to who was back from Iraq for months, but had no job and didn't seem to care.....why??? 'Cause 'what do you do'? Is my go to pick up question...

Saturday, February 10, 2007


I mentioned in this post that my biggest turnoff was being ignored....therefore lacking in appropriate attention.

My friends TXGambit and Trapppedintime have been discussing this. Maybe just poking a little fun, but I really spent some of my free mental time (when I wasn't solving world hunger and figuring out how to get the boys to stop picking their noses) about what attention means to me.

It is NOT to be the center of attention for the whole world. If that were true, I'd be off doing the Hollywood/American Idol thing. I do like a bit of recognition, else I wouldn't write this job, have a job in communications or do half the things I do. But balance, darling, I need my time out of the spotlight, too.

When I talk about it as a turnoff, I mean that in contrast to the turn on of someone being attracted and interested in me. The primary thing that attracts me to someone (aside from the usual requirements-- you know, not being an ax murderer and all) is seeing the sparkle in their eye when they look at me. Their interest in talking to me. While they place their hand on my arm to keep my attention-- and we all know how hard it is for me to pay attention!

I posted about my friend Buck Nekkid and how I was sure I wanted someone in my life that would bring me a fork before I even noticed I needed one. A metaphor for many things, but I think you know what I mean.

When he says he adores his wife, it isn't just lip service. We should all be blessed with someone who adores us, and brings us forks, and sparkles when we're with them. Sometimes they might leave the seat up, or snap at us, but the underlying current of adoration is what carries you through. Expressing that adoration and care is what a relationship is all about.

IT GOES BOTH WAYS! I mean, it isn't all about me. Folks who know me best know that I'm happiest when I'm doing something for someone else. So, especially when I'm feeling less than attended to, my need to serve goes up a few notches. If you're with me, and all the extra attention doesn't remind you to adore me, well then it's all gonna fall apart. Do unto others....I'll actually tell you about it, so you won't be surprised.

So to quote a movie (think it was Death of a Salesman with Dustin Hoffman) ATTENTION MUST BE PAID! Well, at least wouldn't it be nice if it was.

Tonight, I'm going with some friends to meet some other friends to see if we can make more friends. First we're getting together at the mutual friends' house to check wardrobe, makeup and ask 'does this make me look fat'? Once our egos are sufficiently fluffed, we will head to the the meat market with only one goal....getting someone's attention.

I'm pretty excited about that!

Friday, February 09, 2007

Hot Monkey Sex Friday

None of the above for me, but I'm OK with that (no really...I've never been so OK with it. It is like a badge of courage to be without that nudge in PA on my mind and that I'm not desperately looking for my next one).

Now, children...if you've got 'em smoke 'em I always say. As my tribute to Hot Monkey Sex is GMan's visual.....

Everyone should have a friend like GMAN.....of course, the cocktail was my idea!!!

MILF Check In

Haven't lost an ounce. Pants still fit the same way. I started the week FANTASTIC having finally recovered from the 'I just started training' aches and pains. Terrific workouts Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.

Wednesday, woke up to a sore throat. By the afternoon, Streperella. I don't think I'll be working out tomorrow morning...maybe I'll go to the gym tomorrow night. Single. On a Friday night. No kids. And the best I can do is the gym....

I will survive!!

Thursday, February 08, 2007


I have been called Cinderella, but my uncles who watched me help with the dishes after dinner.

I have been called Spamerella because my job requires LOTS of very public All Employee e-mails.

I am now officially, Streperella.

I have strep throat. Again. Surely because I didn't rest enough and drink enough water with the increased workout schedule.

It started Tuesday as a scratch in my throat. So I thought I'd drink more water to compensate. But I drank more water and skipped Wednesday's workout (even missed an opportunity to see Cute Gym Guy) only to feel worse by noon.

Off to the doctor, and the three hour ordeal of hurry up and wait that ended in YET ANOTHER prescription for Penicillin.

Lucky me. No workout again today, and probably not tomorrow. That just sucks. I was just starting to really enjoy this.

History for you....Karateboy and I traded strep constantly for the last two years until I finally agreed to have his tonsils out. They assured me that it was all him getting me sick.

I've had strep now twice since he had his tonsils out in March, so I'm not a believer.

Tippy has a red, swollen through, but he didn't wince when he swallowed his PopTart last night, so I'm going to pretend he's just fine. I just want to get on with gettin' know? I always feel like I'm waiting for something I have no control over to do it's thing before I get to do what I want to do.

Meh. This sucks.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Meet Me In the Ladies Room!

Oh MY GOD! This blog is the funniest, with two very funny contributors.....

In honor, my own 10 questions....

Favorite article of clothing (to wear or take off) those shirts that are crossed in the front, and sort of baggy where the belly is??? accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative........... but I noticed something sensual today about taking off my swimsuit, my body all warm from the workout...and how fun it would be to crawl in bed with someone who is still asleep....

Fashion trend you would never be caught dead in? culottes, gauchos, jeans cuffed to the knee to show off your boots?...big baggy pants with no point, I my legs need extra material??? really?

Most embarrassing date moment we were on a break...during you know...taking a breather between romps...when I noticed I'd...well...had a problem....sort off off my regular calendar....and no 'supplies'....I high tailed it home so fast, I think I broke his neck.

Name one celebrity that would be your perfect boyfriend? You mean OTHER than Larry Dobrow? Oh, he's not a celebrity? Google him and read something he's written, I guarantee you'll laugh. It's what he looks like that escapes me. For all I know he's 4 foot tall without arms, but he's damn funny. When I'm old, I want funny next to me.

What would you consider a guilty pleasure for you? Sex with someone I care about. I can't beat around the bush...technically, I'm at my **peak** you know...... :-). The severe lack of that in my life and the relative time available to make it happen make it even guiltier and more pleasurable (at least in my own mind)

Biggest turnoff? Being ignored. Nothing will get you off my good list faster than not paying homage to the queen...I'm just sayin....I AM the center of the universe, and if you want to enjoy all this I better know I'm the only girl on the planet.

Best date? Of course, I'm not counting pre-marital dates...but playing with his kids all day, met the very cool friends, then getting dolled up for dinner, then him feeding me a little bit and looking into my eyes....then some guilty pleasure...and ease and comfort...yep, so far that was the best. Which leaves some room for improvement, don't you think?

What do you sleep in? I prefer naked, but with the kids, flannel jammies. I'd hate for them to wake up in the middle of the night and be whacked in the head by a boulder when I roll over. Plus jammies are warmer. And it was 9 degrees this morning. No point in being cute and sexy when only the neighbors will get a glimpse of it through the windows, ya know?

Favorite pair of shoes? Actually, I prefer none at all. Really, I know it's gross, but I don't like to wear shoes...but when forced to, I've got these little brown leather mules with a 2 inch heel that give me just enough height to make people think I'm at least 5'4"!! Plus, they're comfortable enough to chase down a 3 year old in the grocery store!

What do you like best about blogging (slight modification, since I'm partner less)? I like the support and the community. I like that so many people make me laugh and they're just as dirty and crass as I am and are still cool people....and that I'm OK here....people choose to interact with me here...

Please do your own, and we'll have a 10 questions love fest!! WOO HOO! and go read !! It's a riot!!

Monday, February 05, 2007

The Bee

I think I've finally recovered from the shock and dismay of my son's first spelling bee. It was a week ago.

Yes, it is sad that I couldn't talk about it, until I'd totally processed it--- and I can't seem to get the video to load anywhere, 'cause it is hilarious!

Karateboy was chosen with 19 other 1st graders to compete in the spelling bee.

Not to put my dreams on him, but I'd always wanted to be in a spelling bee and win. I only had one chance, and I spelled helicopter wrong in the 2nd round and I'm scarred for life at that failure. So, I was hopeful for my boy!!

He spelled the first word LOUD and PROUD! The other kids whispered and were shy, but not my son! Face forward, he projected beautifully...I was so proud. "DID! D-I-D! DID!" was the first word.

Then the second came, and I was sure he'd make it. There were probably 15 other kids left.

The teacher said, "Please spell some. The children want some candy."

He said, "SUM! S-U-M! SUM!" He was so sure of himself! So proud. He spelled it right, but just the WRONG ONE! The whole crowd groaned! Surely they were pulling for this obviously, bright, handsome and vocal little Power Ranger!

But alas, he was out. I think he didn't realize what happened until he got his certificate and was asked to leave the stage. My little soldier didn't cry or throw a fit-- though I wanted to.

He instead grabbed the video camera and offered a video commentary of the rest of the students! It was a lot of fun, though I was still just aghast that we would be out....just like that.

Nah, I'm not competitive at all. Or at least I try not to show it. I will point out that his best buddy, whose parents are academics who seem to constantly compare the academic progress of both of our children (they also have a three year old)-- he wasn't in the we won on some pointless level, right?

Just kidding, though it did make me grin the next time I saw them!

Sunday, February 04, 2007

The Truck

I made it to the gym on time today...promptly for 7ish.

I did the whole cycling mountain bike ain't half bad.

Then it was time to run. 'Who wants to run outside in the 17 degree weather?' they asked.

ME !! OOOH ME!! 'Cause if I'm not already in enough pain, let me have MORE ooh and COLD TOO!

So, brave, stupid soul that I am gave it a try. The THIRD time in my whole life I've intentionally run. The 'runners' in the class were together like a pack of I don't know what but they were laughing and smiling and challenging each other. I was in the back, then I was lost in a cul-de-sac. I offered to go back to the gym so I didn't hold things up.

My trainer told me to only do half the workout. HALF! She tried to make me feel better because everybody must be good at something. She MUST have taught kindergarden in a past life.

I only did half and I feel like I got hit by a truck. Did you see the truck? Get the license plate number?


Saturday, February 03, 2007


I started yesterday at a funeral, went to a church dinner and ended the evening at a bar.

The earlier parts of the day went swimmingly, when at the church thing, a friend says, "Hey! We should go get that DRINK!"

Well, when this particular older, more mature friend mentions, fun, you just jump on for the ride. She and I have a lot in common, and I often joke that I want to be her when I grow up. Six kids, fabulous husband and all.

So we arrive at the bar, when she runs into some of her single friends (who knew there were 'neighborhood' bars in Columbia) but we immediately spot someone who needs a ride home.

Long story short, my friend convinces this sweet 61 year old widow that since she's failed the standing at the bar sobriety test, that maybe we should take her to the two block to a condo.

I was so psyched to slide my aching ass into the molded (and heated!) leather seat of her powder blue Audi that I almost forgot I was miserable and tired and aching.

Back the the bar, the bartender mixed us GIANT DRINKS as a thank you for taking sweet lady home. Turns out my friend is quite popular amongst the nearly 50 crowd and there is constant hugging of others and 'when our kids were in scouts together' stories.

No eye candy in sight.

There was another half of the bar, where apparently the younger crowd hangs, but it was smokey and I was wearing my 3 sizes too big jeans and a not so attractive fleece sweatshirt, and I was a puffy mess from crying all day at the funeral. So I stayed with the wiser folk and quietly sipped my drink at the bar.

Lots of fun getting to know my friend better and laughing my ass off at our similarities. (Except she's a math teacher and once contended that numbers have GENDER).

I was also thinking about how Baltimore Guy would probably like this low key scene and how he'd be totally eye candy to these girls.

About 10ish, the wiser ladies called it a night and REPEATEDLY reminded me of the prompt 5PM arrival at said bar, EVERY Friday, except for Fridays with bowling....then they only drink 'till 6PM. It could give me something to do, keep me out of trouble, and yet with alcohol in my hands. Maybe they'll introduce me to their 26 year old sons-- who were all in scouts together. WAIT I'm feeling a costume coming on...... Because they understand the needs a single girl my age might have. (TEE HEE HEE!)

Meh. I should go to the gym and practice not drowning.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Hot Monkey Sex Friday

Forget the groundhog! We got MONKEYS!! No hot, no sex...but monkeys!! It is my weekend with the kids.

(PEOPLE! I know you're distracted by my picture.That's marshmallow on my tongue! And I was in CHURCH! What were you thinking!!!??? HEATHENS!)

I think I took the same picture of Tippy minus the marshmello!

GMAN snapped this shot and we immediately agreed that it belonged in today's post. He's posting some of his other ideas....that I find truly hysterical...especially the Disney one.

My take this week on Hot Monkey Sex Friday isn't new....I encourage celebrations, even if it is a one man/woman party. I might celebrate with a good, vigorous swim. Or a run. But I'll be wearing a tight shirt and smiling at everyone while I do it. because being sexy (even if it is only in my own mind) is what today is all about.

At my age, I'm told it is not unusual to NEED some things a little differently than perhaps I had in the past. Something about approaching a peak. YOU MEAN I SPENT MY 20's SAYING NO??? And I'll spend my 30's NEEDING it? Some things just ain't fair.

As for the romantic life update, as hopeless as it has seemed, not one but two old chums from the online dating days have resurfaced. I was comfortable with hopeless because I had control over my world. I have every intent with becoming obsessed with triathlon training. Don't get me wrong, I'd planned to squeeze in the occasional happy hour, but only to catch up on work gossip and see who will buy me drinks.

I think I'm going to stay obsessed with training since I PAID for it. Baltimore guy actually wanted to swim with me tomorrow. I could really use the help. But I really couldn't use someone I'm dating seeing me stuffed into my Speedo. It ain't pretty.

Work has been too busy and my house is a mess! Happy Hot Monkey Sex Friday! Celebrate!

MILF Check In

WHAT A WEEK! I haven't lost an ounce, but I worked out 6 times. The hardest part hasn't been running (like I expected) but learning to breathe when I swim.

I've been a swimmer my whole life, but never in a structured, competitive way. In a doggy paddle/swimming underwater sort of way. I THOUGHT I could swim freestyle, but mostly I hold my breath. I can do laps in my grandmother's pool, but in a real Olympic-sized pool, no. Apparently, I hold my breath and don't actually breath.

I learned that if you blow out as you come out of the water, you don't suck water back in, you don't choke.

I learned that when you're absolutely starving because your body just isn't used to these workouts--- I went face down in a HUGE bowl of spaghetti. It was GOOD.

I also ran all by myself. I'm way off the recommended 10 minutes per mile pace, more like 20 minutes per mile (that's 3 miles an hour!) but I'm working on it. Gotta build those lungs!

So no weight loss, but I'm learning skills and developing muscles. It is a very different path to MILFdom...I hope the girls don't kick me out...but I'm soo on my way to fitness!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

I Want to be your Eggo

Yesterday, I totally blew off working out. Girly physical reasons-- I think I have a free pass for that.

But back in the mix today, I RAAAAN-- I ran so far awaaay! Well, not exactly away but definitely around the track many times. Not quite the distance yet I need for the race, but hey, I wasn't laying in bed, right??

I was soo pumped when I got home this morning. The boys were eating breakfast with me by 7AM, and the love fest ensued.

It was the typical making eyes at each other across the table and giggling sort of thing until Karateboy said, "I am your sweet wittle Eggo, mommy"

(Now, our typical breakfast is eggs, because I'm convinced a low sugar breakfast will help them behave better in school. I don't really know where the Eggo thought came from!)

Me, "Eggo?? As in a waffle?"

Karateboy, "Yes, Mommy, I am your sweet little Eggo." He proceeded to hug my arm and kiss my cheek.

Not to be out-done, Tippy chimed in, "I a waffle, too, mommy"

Yes, pumpkin, you are a waffle in so many ways!