Happy Halloweeeeeen!!

I'm sitting in front of my house in my Elastigirl ( the mom from the Incredibles) costume. Sitting next to Tippytornado resplendent in his green Power Rangers outfit -- with muscles.

But the costume the neighbors are coming to see is my mother's--- She's Mickey Mouse. There really is nothing funnier than a 250 pound mouse with big floppy ears. She's so funny.

We are really enjoying the day as Angry Man and Karateboy are scouring the rest of the neighborhood for another 60 pounds of candy.

What do I do with the candy?

Guess what's in the pinata's for the boys' birthday parties??? Yep I recycle my Halloween candy. Even at one piece a day, they'd have enough candy to last 'till Easter. I much prefer sharing the wealth in the pinata fund.

Tippytornado made it through two cul-de-sacs before he was too tired to go on. And now he's trying to poke my eyes through my mask. Perhaps he should have a third piece of candy...

Long Time, No Posts

Well, I gave up posting because all I could seem to talk about is Eyore...who has pronounced from the rooftops that he is no longer wimpy 'Eyore'. No we all get to see what his 'Angry Little Man' looks like. However, to protect my legal rights, I can't post about him or my dating exploits until all the dust settles. Let me tell you, it's JUICY!

Mad props to Turtle Bertle for giving birth to a bouncing baby boy two weeks ago....on her birthday.....Because there is life (as in sex) after 30 !!!

Also props to GMAN for finding his writing groove in the blog world.

Jaybird.....still don't know who you are and can't seem to remember ANYONE who slept on my floor. Sorry.

Some sites that make me smile these days..... Mighty Goods -- because you can never have too many cool dodads....and Post Secret -- because what people leave out are the most interesting thoughts of all.

The boys are just fine. Karateboy's school behavior has been average (WHOO HOO AVERAGE!) and lost a front tooth. Obviously the most handsome kid around. Tippytornado is waaaay verbal (don't know where he gets that from) and slowly taking over the universe as is his role as the second born.

Thanks to all for your thoughts and prayers. We are keepin' our chins up !! :-)

Lessons Learned

When I started this blog, I felt like I needed to tell people what was going on so I didn't feel so much like a failure and falling apart. The public support has carried me through.

I'm over that now (blog therapy, if you will) and only have occasional moments of fear and anxiety. Thanks to everyone, even Eyore who gave me some drama to process over. I didn't feel alone for a single moment and knew I could turn to any of you the minute I needed it. I couldn't be more fortunate.

Eyore and I are having actual conversations that don't involve name calling, so that is a great step forward for us. We're getting the legal part in order and painfully ending what would have been 13 years of marriage. We'd been a couple since 10/7/1990. It's been 16 years, about half of my life. Whole new habits to develop, like what to do the weekends he has the kids and on Tuesday and Thursday nights.

I've learned a heap of lessons, not only in my relationship with him but also in the ending of it. The hardest part is watching someone I still care about in the worst kind of pain, knowing that I have the power to end it (of course, at my own expense) , and fighting myself every day to not give in the way I had so many times in the past.

The problem is, I ended up resenting Eyore for what I perceived as a sacrifice and that just wasn't fair at all. I should have been more honest with myself and him when I took my wedding band off.

So mentally, I'm a little further ahead than most because I took my wedding band off not just as a symbolic act, but also as an emotional separation more than a year ago.

I've decided to move on, and carefully consider my future options. With Eyore's permission, I'm seeing someone this weekend. My natural inclination is to blog endlessly and obsess about the details publicly.

I'm not going to do that. Out of respect for Eyore and our children, I think the details should be just for me (and the special guy, of course). There will be no scoring system, I've already screwed the pooch on my baseline criteria, anyway. Maybe there is should be something in my life that I haven't over-analyzed and carefully planned in a spreadsheet.

My goal will be to not fall into all the same behaviors and traps I created for myself with Eyore. He was right, it does take two to tango, and I should have been more well-behaved very early in our relationship- it just snowballed year after year. As much as I want to count the points for youth and inexperience (I was 20 when we married), I didn't do a very good job of turning it around even as I matured.

The future looks bright, I'm just going to take it one day at a time and work hard at feeling like I deserve it. I need to allow myself to make a few more mistakes in the process so that maybe some day I can settle down with a partner and live the rest of my life. Focus on the children and work should do the trick and the rest will happen if it is meant to happen.

That's my strategy and I'm stickin' to it.

Who am I?

First, this is not a post about any kind of personality crisis, but I do feel a transformation coming on, and given all the recent and ongoing drama (because what ISN'T being posted here is infinitely more juicy) I just have to ask...

How would you describe me?

Now, I'm not asking for honey-soaked affirmations of your love for me. God knows I can't take that in right now. (A woman at work SWEARS I look like Reese Witherspoon, does that mean I qualify for a Ryan Phillipe model partner? Because I could work with those pouty lips. I could.)

Good, bad, objective is my goal. Balancing my yin and yang so to speak. Tell me how you would describe me to someone who doesn't know me. Not just the I'm-in-the-middle-of-this-divorce-mess me. All of me.

I'm hoping that reading that will help me re-center a bit with my head in the right place so I can focus on my personal priorities to myself (not to be confused with my life priorities that are very clearly my sweet bundles of joy and keeping a roof over their fabulous heads).

I want to get back to being more than the I'm-in-the-middle-of-this-divorce-mess me. Be brief, though, we'll all get sick of reading lengthy tomes.

Oh, and who are you? There are quite a few folks who've commented that I don't know, but my sisters and I keep having suspicions. ...tell me who you are! Give me a clue!

Going to work...

As anyone who has kids knows, getting the troupe out the door in the morning is a job in itself. Get dressed! Where are your shoes! Why aren't you eating?

So, Tippytornado, in his attempts to prove, "I bigger now" put on his backpack, and loaded himself into the van (helping himself to some gum in the meantime)

I dropped off Karateboy...donning his dress shirt and tie for picture day (Last year he announced, "Mommy, I'm a tie man now."

We got to Tippy's babysitter and I got him out of the van and noticed his baby doll stroller was in there, with baby Ryan securely buckled in place. How, at his size, he maneuvered all this stuff in the van was truly amazing to me.

I know it is odd enough that my nearly three year old has a doll, but it is a BOY doll and he swings it around by it's ankles almost as often as he rocks it to sleep and gives it hugs and kisses. (If you still think we're freaky, please read 'William's Doll' by Charlotte Zolotow, then call me and we'll weep together for all those little boys who never had a doll and had to learn to be fathers the hard way) Plus, his best friend is a girl, and they play Power Rangers with the babies together.

I took the stroller out of the van and 13 Matchbox cars spilled from the storage area under the seat. In a skirt and heels, in the street, with people all over the place, I'm running around trying to grab these little wheeled monsters before the rolled into the gutter-- or I got hit by a car. Surely it was a sight.

I stood up, pulled my skirt back down where it belonged and pranced with my precious baby to his sitter's door while he pushed his carriage-- complete with babies and matchbox cars.

Pain

I worked out tonight so usually I'm on quite the high. Not so tonight.

So, I thought I'd share one of my favorite poems.

ChristiansBy Maya Angelou
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'.
"I'm whispering "I was lost,
I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Don't make me do it!

Ya'll done lost yer minds. Don't make me turn on COMMENT MODERATION! Do you know what that means? That would mean that I'd have to read each of your comments and decide if I want to publish them. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME FOR THAT KIND OF BABYSITTING?

This was a place to keep my friends up to date on my status, without having to repeat myself. It is an outlet for me of what I feel at that moment. For those of you who know me, that is subject to change the very next moment.

I felt very violated when Eyore found out about this blog. It was a somewhat private diary that I was sharing with my friends. It has become an outlet for much more, and the support that you, my peeps, my sistas, have given me is worth all the tea in the east.

HOWEVER, Eyore is hurt. For the sake of my children, he needs your compassion.

While I have had 2 1/2 years to come to terms with the idea that my marriage was over, he's just getting there. To hear someone say they don't want you is the worst sound to hear. He's not dealing with it well, and I'm doing the best I can to protect my spirit.

I told my wise counselor yesterday that I felt like a tree trying to stretch its limbs and each time Eyore picked at me a bit of bark was ripped off. That is the truest of true analogies.

We've got to sort this out and both face a whole new reality. It will be easier for us both to move forward if the crap stops. I think the posts over the last few days have been a clear picture of the fine line between love and hate for Eyore. The end of our marriage was not fireworks or an explosion but a smoldering fire that just pooped out. I chose not to work on it anymore because nothing seemed to work and he didn't see that anything was wrong and felt powerless to change it. I'm one intimidating bitch, but I have a very squishy heart. Which is why it has taken 13+ years to get my ass in gear on this.

Please have some compassion for the man that I used to love and who my children love deeply. He's broke and grieving and needs to heal. He promises to lay off my family....because I can be a whole lot more harsh about his. But I haven't mentioned them at all. I know that when I'm in need, my family and friends surround and carry me (thank you very much) and he doesn't have that. He's pretty darn alone. Feel compassionate about that.

Blessings and Peace to you all. I said PEACE!!

(you have to admit, that if you know me, the comment about 'put that in spreadsheet and smoke it' was very funny and witty and quite appropriate for me!)

Master of Communication

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Lawyer up!

It has been no secret that I had been in touch with a lawyer and that as soon as Dan moved out I was pursuing a legal agreement. I even told him her name.

My attempt was to come to an agreement outside the attorneys so that we don't waste time and money, then each of us would have our own attorneys review the document and sign.

It seems that Eyore has moved into the anger stage of his grief. He's left me vile messages about how he hates me and never wants to deal with me again. That didn't stop him from leaving a second message that he's demanding the boys this weekend and next.

When I returned the call to discuss the time, etc., he screamed and yelled and fought and was mean. He doesn't know the time, and he's going to get a lawyer. I asked him for the name so that I could give him mine's name. He doesn't have one yet. He called back 3 times to 'deal' with me again. Apparently I'm a frigid, two faced bitch.

His friend that visited us from Arizona a few weeks ago has been supportive of him and is surprised because she sensed nothing wrong during her 4 hour visit. Conversely, Eyore has said repeatedly that the reason he was an ass is because I would disparage him and pick fights in front of other people. He said it was his way of getting back at me. So, I'm confused, was I the supportive smiling wife for his visiting friend OR was I the hanged-tooth bitch in front of others?

I'm concerned about the behavior. I think he's lost his mind. He was almost two hours late picking them up yesterday and didn't bring them home until after 9:30PM. He let Karateboy watch some show called Mr. Meaty --which is on Nicklodeon but still gave him nightmares. Something about a boy with a tapeworm. He was also driving like a maniac and was angry at me just because I looked at him.

I think he's dangerous and he's mad at me for that, too. He doesn't understand why I don't want to be married to him, and yet he's making my case very, very publicly.

Minutes ago, a message at work about how he wants all the jewelry he ever gave me. OK. Let me have everything I ever bought you.... :-). He complains about material things, but I understand he's got a right to stuff. Stuff, I don't care about. The draft my attorney is working on even stipulates that he can have what he wants. Stuff means nothing to me. Except now that he's stooped so low that he's leaving nasty messages everywhere. I was only going to put all the jewelry in a safe deposit box for the boys in the future, anyway.

I'm not sure what's funnier, that he accuses me of being materialistic and HE demands stuff or thinking about what the hell he's going to do with a couple of necklace and earrings sets.

He was right in his post, "I a ass". I think he's right and until he calms down, he's not getting anywhere near my kids. Please just pray he comes to his senses before he totally screws himself and maybe puts my kids in danger.

The Gay Sister Spa and Resort

The spa is fantastic. The rooms are private and come with a team of live in nannies and cooks. They take the children on outings and show then nature. The biggest surprise for me was the steam room. At first glance, it looks like any other bathroom in an older home. However, if someone opens the vent on the steam radiator for about 10 minutes before you get in, it is a full steam bath.

After my steam shower and gourmet breakfast, I was chauffeured to Kohl's and later to Pampered n' Pretty for a manicure and pedicure. Once finished there, back to the resort for a nap before a gourmet dinner. The nannies had the children out and about in various places, so I really stretched out and relaxed.

It was decided that the children would have much more fun at Hetero Sister's Fun Park, and so their party moved on for the night. I was going out with tea girls to gasp! A BAR! Which is conveniently on the premises.

The bar was magic. Mike's Hard Lemonade and tequila shots kept magically appearing in front of me. There were games like darts and pool and gossip. I met lots of really fun people I hope to see again some time soon.

It was really nice to flex my fun muscle. My responsible muscles are freakin' tired. I was back to reality by 3PM yesterday.

Dan was pissed at me again, for the look on my face and because I hadn't planned dinner. I had been dancing all evening the night before and he was supposed to have had the boys at 3PM. I'd decided if he didn't show up by 5, there would be cereal in our future. I was tired, and relaxed and getting ready to go back to work. I guess if he has to be angry about something, that's pretty benign. It is hard to watch him adjust to something I'd had more than 2 years to get my head around.

Puppies and Cousins

We're hanging out at Gaysister's house. She's got a giant Rottweiller/Black lab and per Partner has a sweet little wiener dog. Heterosister brought her kids over and it is one big party.

My dogless children are making promises about cleaning up poop and fantasizing about whose bed the little dog, Jasmine, would sleep. It is fun to see them get licked. And Tippytornado likes to stick out his tongue and let the dog lick it. No one who knows Tippytornado is really surprised by this.

Oh and Gaysister has Playstation. Karateboy keeps calling it X Box, but he's still securely in 6 year old boy heaven.

Me, I'm relaxed. Considering what is going on in my life's periphery, and that there are 3 adults, four children and two dogs in THREE ROOMS, we're doing OK. Gaysister gave me the bed and she and Partner slept in the living room with all the little people and pets. I had 8 consecutive hours of sleep and woke up WHEN I FELT LIKE IT (8:30 ish). Life doesn't get much better than this. I fell asleep to the sounds of the two three year olds giggling....not bad.

Then, they fetched me tea with REAL SUGAR, and made me eggs, kielbasa, and toast with jelly. No splenda this weekend! I'm gonna be a fattie!

I might go to the salon today, or shopping. Gaysister is in charge of the children. To answer some relative's questions, I'm pretty sure she cannot make any of the four kids gay. Statistically, one of them will be, and my money is on Heterosister's son. Not that it would bother me if Karateboy and Tippytornado swung that way, it would just be entertaining to watch Heterosister and her husband's heads blow off at the thought.

More effed up.......

So, Eyore walked into my house, went into my computer and found this blog. First, I thought I'd delete all this. But I've always been the kind of person without regret. Each of these posts is exactly what I was feeling at the time. There were no promises of legal accuracy. I'm an extroverted person and this is how I process.

This is a place to share my thoughts and feelings with my friends. So I don't have to repeat myself 1000 times. So I don't spend hours on the phone or e-mail. So I can focus on healing and my kids. I make no apologies for how I feel. It is what it is. There was never an intent to hurt Eyore, but instead explore why things are so bad and why we can't seem to break up. Ever. This isn't the first time.

Eyore has obviously loved me unconditionally....look how hard it is for him to let me go. Any other man would have walked away a long time ago. I'm not sure that's healthy.

Eyore wants a year to grow up. He says that if I give him a year I can make up my mind then and either get a divorce or get back together. He doesn't understand why I'm afraid. I'm tired, I'm exhausted. I'm scared and I'm sad. My natural instincts are not accurate or appropriate. I'm second guessing myself at every turn. That's why I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll fall for all this mushy crap and take him back to stop the freakin' pain.

The kids and I are in a safe place this weekend where we can rejuvenate. Thanks for all of your help and thoughts today.

Oh! Do you want to see Eyore's blog? I'm all about equal time: http://thisiseyore.blogspot.com .

Join the fray and comment. He says he doesn't have it published just yet, but I'm hoping that he'll get it up soon.

This is f'ed up

He apologized again this morning (which carries little weight because I'm so freakin' tired). I was up past two wondering if I was over reacting or if I was ignoring obvious signs. So I called 'The Company' EAP. Since he has no history of violent behavior, the counselor said I shouldn't be concerned, but that I should be careful.

I think I need to consistently remind him that for every time I did something that he finds so appalling he needs to tell everyone (like embarrass him in front of others) there were 100 other times that I was supportive, and encouraging and loving. I was young and inexperienced and didn't have a whole lot to work with. All I wanted was for him to be an adult.

He's an ass, and doesn't realize that this isn't just a stunt. He seems to fish every day for some glimmer of hope that we'd get back together. This morning his message was, "All I want is for us to be together."

Last night, he went from helping me in the basement and feeling the need to tell me that when he saw me in my undershorts what he wanted to do to me (in explicit detail) despite the fact that I asked him to stop repeatedly--- to telling me he doesn't care who I f*&k. It's like he's Jeykl and Hyde, and doesn't understand why I'm being guarded.

F'ed up is right....it feels surreal.

I have to post this

Because my imagination is a little active...because I want to make sure that I'm not being naive and trusting...I need to post this as evidence....just in case.

Tonight I learned two things. The first is that Eyore and I have developed a pattern. I look forward to a nice, relaxing evening. He does his very best to seem like everything's OK, and the minute I have my guard down, when I'm relaxed, ready to crawl into bed and sleep, he throws the curve ball. The accusation of some wrong or other I did 10 years ago. Tonight it was his anger that I don't recognize that he, too has sacrificed.

I'm working to keep a straight face...but he sacrificed his comic book collecting hobby for me. Yes, folks, you can be unemployed more than you're employed and run up as much debt as you want, and someone else can do all the housework and pay the bulk of the living expenses, but not getting to collect comic books is downright beautiful. He bought me gifts and took me out to dinner instead. So THAT was those credit cards I paid off. His sacrifice. So you can see how truly skewed his mental state is.

So, he calls back to apologize and ask me what kind of funeral arrangements I want. (anyone feeling an alarm flag waving here? Separating people who fight for two hours a day ALWAYS have agreements on funeral arrangements before child support, right)

We've always had a difference of opinion, I don't see why anyone would waste a 6X6X2 piece of ground on my decaying flesh. Cremate me and spread me someplace special. Eyore always said that he wanted a place he could come visit me. I said bury my ashes under a tree.

Anyway, tonight, he wanted me to express my wishes. I explained my commitment to not wasting precious earth and that I wanted the boys to decide whatever would make them happiest.

Then he asked what if the boys were gone, too, and what should he do with us.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT THAT? Part of me wants to change all the locks and move far, far away. Part of me still trusts him. Are these mind games? Is this psychological terror? He treats me nicely, then attacks and breaks me down and then....ever so subtly, he threatens me.

So, if I react to this in a prudent way, I could easily ruin his life. But if I don't and his last screw just fell out, I've just put my children in harms way. The Eyore I married would never, but I haven't seen the Eyore I married in a really long time.

So if something happens, it was obviously premeditated. Take this story and put it all over the news. Then take whatever cash I leave behind and start a fund to make sure that women who are psychologically trapped have a safe place to go for help.

Or, I could just be acting the part of a drama queen. I'm so far off center and so exhausted right now that I can't really tell the difference. I feel like we're in some kind of danger.

SPACE!

I have more closet space...neener neener neener.

I have the whole bed to myself EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I don't have to worry that someone is going to come to bed at 3 a.m. and wake me up and make me move over.

I need mental space. If he's here Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, I never seem to get time alone. 'Cause if he's not here, he's on the phone.

So we lost our kickball game. Single elimination playoffs. Bummer. But we get to drink next week! So, who shows up-- yep, Eyore. How did he piss me off? When I didn't acknowledge his compliment he got pissy. He ignored the kids. They ran around screaming while he did his best to look like he was interested. I wonder if he came by to see if I had a boyfriend.

That's pretty funny.

What's even funnier is that I have this undying urge to clean my house. Top to bottom. Sort of washing that man right out of my house. Then, when it gets messed up it can be all my fault. Eyore, however, can't seem to get it together enought to take the boys to his place or go visit his parents, so my delusions of a weekend of freedom are shot.

Don't get me wrong. I love every minute I have with my boys. I cherish every single second. Most of you know that. I need to just get over this freakin' hump. Then I can be 100% mom.

If only

If only I could be as motivated to write Week 18 of my communication plan as I am to write this.
If only Eyore would realize that it was over and stop calling me 5 times a day.
If only my house would magically become clean and organized so I could start fresh.
If only my car would magically become clean and organized...
If only my yard...you get the picture...

If only crazy people didn't kill innocent children in their school-- which should be the safest place for them.

If only I could figure out this financial crap so I could move on (which would be easier if I stopped rewarding myself with material things I don't really need)

If only I would spend more time counting my glass as full. But it is full. Karateboy is a yellow belt and doing well in school. Tippytornado is BEGGING to go to school. I have a good job with good people who continue to hand me birthday cards and gifts even though, at this age, getting them at all is fun in itself.

Whew! Got that out of my system. Week 18. I've got to write Week 18. And I need to find someone to play raquetball with. I've got the equipment and I need the exercise. I just need a partner (who doesn't mind teaching me because I've never played).

:-) It's a brand new day and I'm feline' fine in every WA!

Psychological Warfare

Thanks to everyone who comments, and apologies as well-- I just figured out that I had a setting checked for moderating. ICK! Administrative work is not my thing!

So, I haven't posted in a few days because I was exhausted and celebrating a birthday. I think the birthday afforded enough special feelings for me that I didn't simply kill Eyore.

To answer everyone who has known me forever and wants to truly understand why I took him back the last 6,000 times--- basically he wore me down.

Psychological abuse is the worst kind because there are no tell tale-trips to the emergency room. He waited in the dark, two nights in a row to lash out at me verbally, and tear me down. Thursday night, I fell right into his grasp and spend Friday hurt and mopey and FREAKIN' tired. The drama sucks the life right out of you. One minute he's all apologetic and trying to kiss and hug you, the next minute he's screaming and crying that you don't treat him like a human being.

HEEEELLLOOOO I said I wanted a divorce. Not a brief vacation. Wrap your head around it. Live with it.

The last time he moved out, he didn't visit the kids for a month and he would call me 100 times a day and do the same thing...first all sweet and self-effacing, and when I didn't rush back into his arms, he'd lash out like a maniac. Then he'd want me to explain why I was afraid of him.

This time it was all drama..."I want to spend the last evening I can with my faaamilly (boo hoo hoo)"

Mushy girl that I am, I'd get sucked in and exhausted and confused and give in. I'm pretty sure he doesn't get it and really doesn't see himself as the responsible party (though he gives it good lip service) -- else the middle of the night attacks would cease.

I think he actually needs me-- in church yesterday (yes, he came) he was trying to put his arms around me and rub my arm. I moved a seat away to further the point. He just doesn't get it.

So, he finally 'moved out' last night sometime after I went to bed. After he asked me to 'come say goodbye' --- ugh!

He later called (woke me up no less, asshole) to tell me I was free. He followed up at some point with an e-mail. He's trying to engage me and push buttons so that I do something drastic and make a fool of myself (which I've done before) and I'm just not going there.

It is exhausting to be on your guard every minute because I really don't trust what he's going to do next. I need to find him a woman and fast! From what I understand, Glen Burnie is just swimming with dim-wits that would be just his speed. As soon as he has someone else to take care of him, I can extracate myself.

I just know that if he affects my mental state so negatively....what does he do to the boys? I know this is right, and thank you all for supporting me. 10/7 is our 13th anniversary, affectionately dubbed my 'unnaversary'.

There will be drinking.