I have to post this

Because my imagination is a little active...because I want to make sure that I'm not being naive and trusting...I need to post this as evidence....just in case.

Tonight I learned two things. The first is that Eyore and I have developed a pattern. I look forward to a nice, relaxing evening. He does his very best to seem like everything's OK, and the minute I have my guard down, when I'm relaxed, ready to crawl into bed and sleep, he throws the curve ball. The accusation of some wrong or other I did 10 years ago. Tonight it was his anger that I don't recognize that he, too has sacrificed.

I'm working to keep a straight face...but he sacrificed his comic book collecting hobby for me. Yes, folks, you can be unemployed more than you're employed and run up as much debt as you want, and someone else can do all the housework and pay the bulk of the living expenses, but not getting to collect comic books is downright beautiful. He bought me gifts and took me out to dinner instead. So THAT was those credit cards I paid off. His sacrifice. So you can see how truly skewed his mental state is.

So, he calls back to apologize and ask me what kind of funeral arrangements I want. (anyone feeling an alarm flag waving here? Separating people who fight for two hours a day ALWAYS have agreements on funeral arrangements before child support, right)

We've always had a difference of opinion, I don't see why anyone would waste a 6X6X2 piece of ground on my decaying flesh. Cremate me and spread me someplace special. Eyore always said that he wanted a place he could come visit me. I said bury my ashes under a tree.

Anyway, tonight, he wanted me to express my wishes. I explained my commitment to not wasting precious earth and that I wanted the boys to decide whatever would make them happiest.

Then he asked what if the boys were gone, too, and what should he do with us.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT THAT? Part of me wants to change all the locks and move far, far away. Part of me still trusts him. Are these mind games? Is this psychological terror? He treats me nicely, then attacks and breaks me down and then....ever so subtly, he threatens me.

So, if I react to this in a prudent way, I could easily ruin his life. But if I don't and his last screw just fell out, I've just put my children in harms way. The Eyore I married would never, but I haven't seen the Eyore I married in a really long time.

So if something happens, it was obviously premeditated. Take this story and put it all over the news. Then take whatever cash I leave behind and start a fund to make sure that women who are psychologically trapped have a safe place to go for help.

Or, I could just be acting the part of a drama queen. I'm so far off center and so exhausted right now that I can't really tell the difference. I feel like we're in some kind of danger.