Psychological Warfare

Thanks to everyone who comments, and apologies as well-- I just figured out that I had a setting checked for moderating. ICK! Administrative work is not my thing!

So, I haven't posted in a few days because I was exhausted and celebrating a birthday. I think the birthday afforded enough special feelings for me that I didn't simply kill Eyore.

To answer everyone who has known me forever and wants to truly understand why I took him back the last 6,000 times--- basically he wore me down.

Psychological abuse is the worst kind because there are no tell tale-trips to the emergency room. He waited in the dark, two nights in a row to lash out at me verbally, and tear me down. Thursday night, I fell right into his grasp and spend Friday hurt and mopey and FREAKIN' tired. The drama sucks the life right out of you. One minute he's all apologetic and trying to kiss and hug you, the next minute he's screaming and crying that you don't treat him like a human being.

HEEEELLLOOOO I said I wanted a divorce. Not a brief vacation. Wrap your head around it. Live with it.

The last time he moved out, he didn't visit the kids for a month and he would call me 100 times a day and do the same thing...first all sweet and self-effacing, and when I didn't rush back into his arms, he'd lash out like a maniac. Then he'd want me to explain why I was afraid of him.

This time it was all drama..."I want to spend the last evening I can with my faaamilly (boo hoo hoo)"

Mushy girl that I am, I'd get sucked in and exhausted and confused and give in. I'm pretty sure he doesn't get it and really doesn't see himself as the responsible party (though he gives it good lip service) -- else the middle of the night attacks would cease.

I think he actually needs me-- in church yesterday (yes, he came) he was trying to put his arms around me and rub my arm. I moved a seat away to further the point. He just doesn't get it.

So, he finally 'moved out' last night sometime after I went to bed. After he asked me to 'come say goodbye' --- ugh!

He later called (woke me up no less, asshole) to tell me I was free. He followed up at some point with an e-mail. He's trying to engage me and push buttons so that I do something drastic and make a fool of myself (which I've done before) and I'm just not going there.

It is exhausting to be on your guard every minute because I really don't trust what he's going to do next. I need to find him a woman and fast! From what I understand, Glen Burnie is just swimming with dim-wits that would be just his speed. As soon as he has someone else to take care of him, I can extracate myself.

I just know that if he affects my mental state so negatively....what does he do to the boys? I know this is right, and thank you all for supporting me. 10/7 is our 13th anniversary, affectionately dubbed my 'unnaversary'.

There will be drinking.