Is this the bottom? Is this the worst of it? Because if it hurts worse than this, sedate me first.
Perhaps it is the PMS talking, or, rather, crying.
I'm mad because I'm having all these emotions and there are people far more worthy than I am of being this sad and hurt.
I'm crying today because for as long as I can remember I was the kid that studied harder, worked harder, and sacrificed more because I knew that would make me special. Special enough to get some kind of special reward. I forgave and forgot and supported and went on. I believed in the good in people in general and the good in one person in particular.
I might have been the hang-toothed bitch he so angrily describes, but I never lied or cheated. I usually took the harder way because I knew there would be more reward in the end. I did the best with what I had. I didn't cut corners and tried to follow my conscience.
I've tried the whole handing it off to God thing...but so far, as hard as I've tried to listen, I'm just not hearing. I'm feeling more alone and confused and hurt and angry and embarrassed than ever before.
I didn't chose this. Well, I chose not to continue to cast a blind eye. I could have sucked it up and just lived with it and just pretended. I didn't chose to have a husband who was incapable of loving me and respecting me and our marriage vows. I chose a handsome, sweet, funny guy who was working two jobs because he liked them both-- and the extra money went into his fancy car. That didn't last very long and I should have hit the road with the first red flag. Dumbass.
So he's standing in the doorway right now asking if he can hug me. I told him I hope his arms fall off from leprosy.
I think I can't really see a future that isn't going to be without struggle and pain. I'm feeling a little cheated, because while my life wasn't nearly as horrible as some, I feel like I've had my fair share.
There are lots of 'if I'd only known' scenarios running through my head. But I did know. Deep in my heart, I knew it could never be right.
I'm scared, really really scared. I'm not sure there is a whole lot I can do right at the moment. He promises to be out by 2PM Saturday. Happy freakin' birthday to me. Maybe I can start to heal a little then. But the fear, I don't know that it will every really go away.
I don't want to be the one people feel sorry for, but I've lost my courage.
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5 comments:
Change is often painful, it is growing, and becoming something different in the end. It is natural but it is supposed to hurt. Your friends and family will share in your growing pain and help guide you. In the end they will be the benefactors of the Woo on the other side of the transformation. It gets better with time (I should know). I also know that "it gets better with time" sounds like a load of crap, but it is the truth, one day you will look back and see that you are no longer who you thought you were and who you are. Allow yourself the pain, you are entitled.
Change is often painful, it is growing, and becoming something different in the end. It is natural but it is supposed to hurt. Your friends and family will share in your growing pain and help guide you. In the end they will be the benefactors of the Woo on the other side of the transformation. It gets better with time (I should know). I also know that "it gets better with time" sounds like a load of crap, but it is the truth, one day you will look back and see that you are no longer who you thought you were and who you are. Allow yourself the pain, you are entitled.
Woozy –
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Having been in that same place, I know it is a scary and lonely and frightening and terrifying place. It’s cold and different and odd and not like anything you have ever been used to. It feels like you are the only person in the world to have gone to this place and that there is no one else who understands; that there is no one to throw you a rope to help you climb out of that pit of distortion and sadness. And the fear – it is very real, it’s enough to make you doubt your decisions and convictions. It makes you think so hard about everything, the past, present and future and it’s maddening. I’ve been there too.
Stick to your guns. Fall back on your friends. Dive into hobbies and things YOU love. Music saved me over and over again. Simple things like being outside. A glass of wine with girlfriends. My child’s smile. Hug the kids more than you should, it’s ok and you both need it. Find things that mean more to you than all of your past and hold on tightly. Time, small victories and accomplishments will help you grow and let go and change.
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown
Man performs and engenders so much more than he can or should have to bear. That's how he finds that he can bear anything. ~William Faulkner
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. ~Alexander Graham Bell
God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them. ~John Aughey
The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends. ~Gwyneth Paltrow
I love you. Hang in there.
Me
Happy Birthday Woozie!!
Better yet, Happy RE-Birthday Woozie, version 2.0!!!
I owe you a delightful adult beverage or two!
Me
Amy,
Were you describing your father or mine? ;-) Alas that's a different blog all together!
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