WHAT THE HELL?

My mind is made up, this is really it, but why is God in cahoots with the SPERMDONOR?

The constant compliments and subservient I'll-do-anything-for-you-baby behavior has been stomach turning. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU DO THIS 2-4-6-8 YEARS AGO DUMBASS?

The requests for kisses and hugs and the sad puppy face was stomach turning.

Yesterday? What did I get. A relatively mature sounding e-mail about growing up and being independent. It sounded almost....Healthy.

Today? Just to screw with me. He was happy! There was a twinkle in his eye that I haven't seen in a really, really long time. Like maybe last seen in 1991. He was elated about everything. Complimented my ass four times in less than an hour....That was more than all of 2005 COMBINED. Comments like, "whoa you shouldn't bend over like that." So, cynic that I am...

"Did your doctor change your meds? You're freakin' me out"

"No..ha ha ha...(smile, twinkle, smile)"

"Go take a shower"

No screaming at Karateboy at dinner, backed off when I said I wasn't going to stop on the way home to pick up cat food because I'd just spent an hour at the grocery store.

My internet friends, don't go all flippy and post that maybe he's bi-polar or something. I've waited through 13 years of various illnesses. I have the bedside manner of a python. No way, baby. There is only one person I know who stood by her man, and I stood with her. She was right, and I know I'm right. Sperm donor is the kind of crazy I don't want to be legally tied to forever.

So God...I'm horny...I'm lonely...I'm scared and self conscious....and your dropping the twinkley-eyed wonder boy at me. Memories of why I went back to him all those times are quite painful and embarrassing.

God, what the hell are you trying to do? Do you KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH? I'm not the kind of girl who backs down. Not this time. I asked for support from you...to carry me through this difficult time...and THIS IS WHAT I GET?

NO FREAKIN' WAY BUDDY. IF you keep this crap up, I'm quitting the band at church. Don't mess with me.