When I started this blog, I felt like I needed to tell people what was going on so I didn't feel so much like a failure and falling apart. The public support has carried me through.
I'm over that now (blog therapy, if you will) and only have occasional moments of fear and anxiety. Thanks to everyone, even Eyore who gave me some drama to process over. I didn't feel alone for a single moment and knew I could turn to any of you the minute I needed it. I couldn't be more fortunate.
Eyore and I are having actual conversations that don't involve name calling, so that is a great step forward for us. We're getting the legal part in order and painfully ending what would have been 13 years of marriage. We'd been a couple since 10/7/1990. It's been 16 years, about half of my life. Whole new habits to develop, like what to do the weekends he has the kids and on Tuesday and Thursday nights.
I've learned a heap of lessons, not only in my relationship with him but also in the ending of it. The hardest part is watching someone I still care about in the worst kind of pain, knowing that I have the power to end it (of course, at my own expense) , and fighting myself every day to not give in the way I had so many times in the past.
The problem is, I ended up resenting Eyore for what I perceived as a sacrifice and that just wasn't fair at all. I should have been more honest with myself and him when I took my wedding band off.
So mentally, I'm a little further ahead than most because I took my wedding band off not just as a symbolic act, but also as an emotional separation more than a year ago.
I've decided to move on, and carefully consider my future options. With Eyore's permission, I'm seeing someone this weekend. My natural inclination is to blog endlessly and obsess about the details publicly.
I'm not going to do that. Out of respect for Eyore and our children, I think the details should be just for me (and the special guy, of course). There will be no scoring system, I've already screwed the pooch on my baseline criteria, anyway. Maybe there is should be something in my life that I haven't over-analyzed and carefully planned in a spreadsheet.
My goal will be to not fall into all the same behaviors and traps I created for myself with Eyore. He was right, it does take two to tango, and I should have been more well-behaved very early in our relationship- it just snowballed year after year. As much as I want to count the points for youth and inexperience (I was 20 when we married), I didn't do a very good job of turning it around even as I matured.
The future looks bright, I'm just going to take it one day at a time and work hard at feeling like I deserve it. I need to allow myself to make a few more mistakes in the process so that maybe some day I can settle down with a partner and live the rest of my life. Focus on the children and work should do the trick and the rest will happen if it is meant to happen.
That's my strategy and I'm stickin' to it.
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7 comments:
Congrats to you all on your many strides. I hope that the toughest part is over. I know that you will make any man a very lucky and happy one. My hope is the same for Eyore. (You know what I mean) As always I (we) will be here for you and the boys and Eyore too.
I have to say you matured way to early in life. Was a scarey thing to watch and didn't want to see you go through what you have. Me, being the big optimistist person I am and way overly optimistic always felt that if it is meant to be then wonderful, it will be, but if it is nay I had hoped it wouldn't be to hard ending it.
Eyore, you really are a great guy when you work at it and I know there is someone out there that is very compatible with you in all ways. A woman who would be thrilled to have a man in her life to help dress her and take care of her in a way that I know you are capable of doing. But remember, it takes work on both parties part to make it work. Good Luck to Eyeore. I honestly hope we can at least be friend after so many years of being a PITA!! Now those close to us know who I am!
To all out there, I'm sorry for the things I've said and done. To all who know i'm not a bad guy, but the at times I didn't work hard enough to save my marriage. To Woo know I didn't want you to give in on what you need to do. As I've said Just give me a chance somewhere down the road to see if I can be the man I should have been for you. To "S" we may have had our times where we didn't like each other, and I would never wish for anything bad for you or to happen to you, I'm sorry.
Woo I'm glad you have seen some light, it makes it better for me.
I love you all.
jaybird, do I know you?
Wooz - good to see this post. I'll be in touch. Congrats on some clarity, my friend.
Eyore, I hope you know I wish you no ill will at all, but I do wish you the best of luck moving forward.
The allowing yourself to make some mistakes is the hard part, especially when you are driven to succeed at everything. Don't forget to stop and look at your options and assess how *you* feel about things, everyone else be damned.
Yes, "woozy". I have slept on your floor and hope to do so again some day!
Much love from the "jaybird"
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